15 Quick Tips for feeling better today

Healing a broken heart and getting over this break up means you have to build a new future but also need a new relationship with the past…

  1. Make a YOU Journal right now – decorate it with images and materials which represent you. EVEN if you are a guy and this idea sounds ridiculous, writing about how you feel could be the single biggest improvement you could make to your current state of mind.
  2. Think about the break-up of your relationship from different points of view and write about it:
    1. What are the generalisations you have made about yourself and your ex?
    2. Think of someone you admire (friend, mentor, character from history). Imagine he/ she is watching a movie of this part of your life and step into their shoes to watch it instead. What would their comments be?
    3. Now imagine a completely neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there – what do you notice about the interaction from this neutral perspective?
    4. Notice the differences seen from each point of view – what do you notice?
  3. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or home for the aged or football training squad etc.
  4. Schedule a makeover or change your image – go for a drastic change and consult a stylist or friend
  5. Drink many hot herbal drinks and sleep with socks on – rub Vicks Vaporub on your feet (it may seem weird but it works!)
  6. Emotional Freedom Technique: Tapping whenever you feel in complete despair helps release blockages within your body. Negative emotions will literally evaporate before your eyes:
    1. Tap above eyebrow X10
    2. Tap under eye X10
    3. Tap under armpit X10
    4. Tap under collarbone X10
    5. Tap on index finger X10
    6. Tap under pinky finger on back of hand X10
  7. In these stressful times, talking about your problems and fears to them could make you more relaxed. It also makes you feel that you are part of a group and not lonely – phone your Break Up Beautifully coach Adele if you feel you cannot discuss how you feel with friends of family. You can talk about your problems privately and let your emotions out
  8. Do not see them for 60 days – this will help, I promise
  9. Create a playlist of Feeling Better music – SAD LOVE SONGS ARE BANNED!!!

10. Delete them from your Facebook account, log out of their email and delete them from your phone if possible. Following their every move will simply TORMENT you

11.  Play sports or any other recreational activity. Exercise will help pump adrenaline and other chemicals around your body that makes you feel naturally healthier and happier. Furthermore, it makes you forget about your past troubles and you might meet another ‘special’ person in your life

12. Write your ex a letter – in it tell them everything you loved about your relationship and him/ her and everything you hated about the relationship or him/ her. When done burn the letter and bury it

13. Throw out ALL your underwear and get new set – it will flush clean all the old memories you had of your ex everytime you get dressed

14. Have a DUVET day – lie in bed with your favourite movies, books and all your favourite snacks and don’t move. Enjoy the luxury of spending time doing absolutely nothing with no one bugging you or nagging you to do anything else

15. Join a book club or a women’s group. NO – these are not for old gits but such clubs will put you smack dab in the middle of intellectual loop again – AND just think how nice it will be to discuss something other than your  divorce…

With love

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Why do I feel SO out of control during my divorce?

It was 02:30 in the morning, I was on my third glass of wine and hadn’t eaten in 3 days. I had been in my pyjamas for 36 hours straight and chain smoked 40 cigarettes (AND I don’t even smoke!)
There was a pile of laundry on the couch waiting to be ironed, used tissues everywhere. The house was absolute chaos and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I had this vision of being found dead of a broken heart at the age of 65 surrounded by a house full of cats, still wearing my pyjamas with no love or man in my life… The only time I left the house I almost drove into a wall. My theory was if I could convert the emotional pain into a physical one then at least there was a pill I could take for that. How bizarre my thoughts were…

I was in complete desp

air and boy did I know the feeling of being out of control. NOTHING helped and I remembered thinking: “Why the hell is this happening to me?”

I had read every single book I could find on breaking up. I spoke to a therapist. I spoke to another therapist. I listenned to music. I listenned to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. NOTHING HELPED. I literally felt like I was going to go crazy and be admitted into a mental institution. I was SO uncomfortable in my own skin and just wanted to feel normal again SO badly. The pain was unbearable.

Sound familiar?

So, allow me to explain why you are feeling so crazy. Here’s a little Biology lesson (chapter 8 in my new book Naked Divorce – 21 days to emotional freedom), so bare with me!

The thoughts and feelings that make up our consciousness correspond to biochemical activities in our brain. Two chemicals in particular, dopamine and serotonin, play a vital part in our behaviour. When we need something, dopamine is released and gives us the drive to get it. Once we have got it, we reward ourselves with a serotonin release. These neuro-chemicals affect our feelings. If we have too much dopamine and not enough serotonin, we experience a chronic feeling of craving and longing. Some of the most painful effects of heartbreak are caused by this longing. The dopamine makes us jittery and restless and drives us to do something, anything to get what we want – even if we know that rationally it won’t work. We get urges to drive past our ex’s house, to check his Facebook account, call them up, talk to their friends. These urges subside when our body releases serotonin. The longing ceases and we feel calm.

The techniques used within the Naked Divorce program influence the critical variables in your thinking which can alter the neuro-chemicals in your mind and body. When you learn how to think about your ex in a different way you change the way your body is reacting. You no longer feel the same. You have rewritten the operating software of your brain and you cannot run the old programs any more. The way you think about him, your past and your future is released from the repetitive, painful thinking.

Understanding Heartbreak
Heartbreak is a very strange experience – a distress. It is intensely painful and even though we hate the feeling of heartbreak, we find ourselves compelled to go over and over memories and fantasies which make the feeling worse. A break up can be just like a death – a betrayal. You have lost your future with this person but the past is also undermined – it leads you to question everything… All the meaning you built up in your life has been cancelled. When an important love relationship ends, a range of different responses is triggered. We feel loss, pain, our balance is upset and our feelings change from one minute to the next. We long for our ex, we are desperate to see them and the next minute we want to rip their heads off. This volatility and confusion adds to the craziness.
If you can relate to what I am saying about feeling SO out of control then the good news is:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND
NONE OF THIS ‘OUT OF CONTROL FEELING’ IS YOUR FAULT.

No one was ever pulled aside in high school and taught how to handle the pain and suffering of a break up.
It’s ok to feel like you are going mental.

So, what to do about it?

  • Firstly, STOP.
  • Stop DOING anything.
  • Just sit.
  • Be still.
  • Breathe.
    a. Breathe deeply, longingly and into your belly.
    b. Let the breath fill your lungs like the ocean lapping at the shore.
    c. Breathe like this for 20 breaths
  • Become Aware of the craziness, aware of what is happening. The dopamine that’s kicking around is the chemical making you go crazy. See the craziness almost like a puppy that has run off without a leash. Understand it and stop allowing it to control you – allow it to be a restless puppy inside your head but don’t engage with it. Just notice it. Watch the puppy run around and stay calm. You know the puppy will calm down soon. Notice it’s colour, texture, shape. Give that part of yourself that is going crazy a label, or a name. See that craziness as not being part of you. Feel yourself disengaging with it as being something separate to you.
  • Accept the craziness and anxiety, it’s there and it’s ok that it’s there.
  • No matter how you are feeling at that exact moment, ACT normal. Just act normal, like everything is cool. You know that the craziness will pass so acting crazy will not help you
  • Make yourself a hot water drink. A cup of boiling water with some lemon and 2 teaspoons of honey
  • Drink it slowly – savouring each sip. With each sip, watch the craziness calm down
  • Go outside if you can and take a walk. Walk slowly and gracefully. As if you are gliding. Whilst walking, cycle through your 5 senses and ask yourself these questions: What do I see, hear, touch, taste and smell. Keep focusing outside your mind and focus on what is around you. Be vigilant
  • Download this rainwater track and play it on your .mp3 player – let it soothe you
  • Remind yourself that everything will be ok. Think of all the amazing things that human beings have overcome in their lives. Think of someone who has overcome great obstacles to achieve greatness and beauty in their lives. This can be you. You can be great and beautiful in your life too…Take the focus off the NEED to fill the hole within you and focus instead on the growth and beauty you can experience in your own life. Your life after this break up can be about you again.
  • A great way to calm yourself down when feeling crazy with heartbreak is to listen to the Break Up Reboot audio program. It’s designed to refocus your mind and realign your neurochemicals in your brain. Listening to it every day for a period of 21 days will drastically increase your healing process and make you feel good about yourself again.

Until next time, I wish you well and send you love and light!

What on earth do I do with my relationship baggage?

Let’s deviate for a moment and discuss baggage in general. Everyone has some form of baggage from a relationship or a nasty break up or divorce. Without being insensitive, if we are really committed to our next relationship working beautifully, we need to purge that baggage, or manage it. Before we can do that, let’s examine the types of baggage we drag around with us…

  • The ‘Waiting to be Hurt’ Baggage – You react emotionally to the hurt from your past.
  • The ‘Ex’ Baggage – You just can’t get over your ex-husband and hold on to the idea that the ex may come back into your life OR alternatively you compare EVERYONE new to your ex. Sadly, if you cannot come to grips with a relationship’s end or see a new person you are dating for who they are, you will be unable to function in a new relationship…
  • The ‘Angry Woman’ Baggage – This is the most damaging kind of relationship baggage where you are just extremely angry at men. You blame men for all your problems. Men are “jerks” and “users.”
  • The ‘I’m not attractive enough’ Baggage – This issue usually crops up due to a history with an ex who may have spent time constantly appraising other women’s beauty or spent time berating your own beauty or body.
  • The ‘He’s bound to cheat on me’ Baggage – Most people have good instincts about their partners’ fidelity. The great exception: People who’ve been cheated on. If you have been burned you might not be able to trust your instinct, may see affairs everywhere and may not be able to clearly judge.
  • The ‘I don’t satisfy him in bed’ Baggage – This baggage usually develops due to a history with a particular ex.
  • The ‘I’m doomed to get dumped’ Baggage – You will tend to manifest your worst fears happening.

Learning to unpack your personal Samsonite won’t just help your own psyche; it’ll also help you empathize with your new man. Because guess what? That guy you’re dating? He’s standing there with a suitcase and garment bag, too.

Day 17 of The Naked Divorce Program deals extensively with how to rid yourself from relationship baggage and the dreaded ‘ex hexes’ for good, but in the mean time, here are some tips…

Here are some tips to practice in your next relationship..

  1. Just because certain ex-partners may have mistreated you in the past, don’t make the sweeping assumption that every single person you date from this point forward will treat you shabbily as well. Each new person you meet has the right to be evaluated based on his own unique merits and flaws, (as opposed to being evaluated based on your past relationship experiences). You certainly don’t want to miss out on getting to know a potential “Mr. Perfect-For-You” because you are too busy unfairly projecting your past negative relationship experiences onto him!
  2. Obsessing over certain painful incidents or relationships from your past is not healthy. (Actually, obsessing about anything is not terribly healthy). In fact, it’s akin to playing a negative tape loop over and over again in your head, and it is definitely not conducive to creating happier, healthier relationship experiences.
  3. A past difficult relationship should not cause you to give up completely on all relationships and/or potential relationships. Granted, it is perfectly understandable to feel sad, angry, bereaved, and even somewhat bitter in the immediate aftermath of a painful, failed relationship, but FOCUS on what you want to have happen rather than on what you don’t want to have happen.
  4. People who feel insecure and/or who suffer from low self-esteem sometimes consciously or unconsciously sabotage their love relationships by engaging in behaviours that could potentially drive their partners away in order to confirm their own worst fears and beliefs about themselves. Don’t fall into this all-too-common insecurity trap!
  5. Remember that your painful relationship history need not repeat itself over and over and over again, with only the most miniscule of variations (like some excruciatingly painful version of that Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day.)

On that note, always bear in mind that you actually have an enormous say in the creation of your own destiny. And if you put your mind to it, you truly can break free from past destructive dating patterns.

Of course it is extremely important to protect yourself emotionally, especially if you have experienced more than your fair share of difficult, or humiliating, or even traumatic romantic relationships in the past. However, every aspect of life, including dating, involves a certain degree of risk-taking. And while it can be incredibly hard to open your heart and make yourself vulnerable to a potential new dating partner (especially if you have been hurt repeatedly in the past), please remember that life sometimes requires us to take a leap of faith so that we can continue to grow emotionally. Therefore, if you have recently met a good, kind, loving, emotionally whole and healthy person who would like nothing more than to start a relationship with you, then get ready to take that leap.

Sending you a hug!