I recently received a letter from someone who went through a very bitter and twisted divorce. She says she’s ‘over’ it and although she never talks to her ex is in a great relationship now with someone who hates his ex too.
Her question was about her concerns about whenever her ex talks about his ex, he talks about taking her ‘to the cleaners’ financially and his vengeance worries her. She also feels very closed down to her new guy and doesnt feel free to let him into her heart.
Here is an excerpt of what I wrote to her – maybe there is something for you to learn too?
Thank your being honest with me – I appreciate straight talk.
You are right, I do give a shit about people. So, as requested I will therefore be bold and offer some coaching – its unsolicited so feel free to take onboard – as you wish
I will be honest with you and share that you are still carrying alot of pain and incompletion from your divorce and I am sorry for that. I can see you are very strong and resilient but a bit like a coconut – sometimes this strength is on the outside when on the inside there is a different picture.
I think because you are a survivor and you did the best you could at the time but i can also tell you didn’t allow yourself to feel too much emotion. I reckon the worst book EVER written was ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel whatisface.
Intellectualisation of emotions, closing down your heart and deadening of emotions can lead to a prickly and brittle disposition – a cynicism and inner anger. Not your fault – alot of powerful women suffer from this post divorce but its still there. Some aliveness was lost as a little flame within you got extinguished. This is what is sad. Yes u are tougher, but it’s also easy to spot you are divorced. This is why your friends tell you you ‘look’ divorced. The biggest compliment for someone of your character is to stop ‘being and looking divorced’ in your disposition because something else is possible for you. ‘Looking’ divorced is when you still carry the pain, bitterness and resentment with you – the paranoia, the hurt, the prickly feelings…
The path to healing?
1) FEELING emotions and allowing yourself to feel them again – many of us run away from our emotions BUT did u know that when fully experienced, no emotion lasts longer than 15 minutes before it morphs into something else…?
2) opening up your heart again
3) getting complete with your ex husband – not condoning what he did but letting him go with no animosity or hatred – I can give u an exercise for this if you would like to learn more…
4) being honest with your partner about your abhorence of his hatred towards his ex
5) supporting your partner in getting complete with his ex so you are both free and can be new and with both feet inside your relationship
After this, u will be free. Happy, carefree ‘you’ will return and inner conflict will subside.
So u have a choice: continue being tough chick who can handle it all and do battle and become more angry and bitter with time (whilst telling yourself you are over it) or walk into the valley and push yourself through the eye of the needle.
Whatever you choose to do, I am here to support you if u wish because you are worth it!
Sending you a big hug!