Think about your relationship from different points of view:
- What are the generalisations you have made about yourself and your husband?
- Now think of someone you admire (friend, mentor, character from history). Imagine he/ she is watching a movie of this part of your life and step into their shoes to watch it instead. What would their comments be?
- Now imagine a completely neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there – what do you notice about the interaction from this neutral perspective?
- Notice the differences seen from each point of view – what do you notice?
Do this exercise with another person as well and message me to see what you have noticed…
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The Naked Divorce
Sending you a big hug
I notice with many of my clients that they are out of touch with their emotions – almost like the divorce has NUMBED them…
To remedy this, BUY A JOURNAL – CALL IT SOMETHING SPECIAL REPRESENTING THE NEW YOU – the you who has healed from the betrayal and who feels positive and amazing about her life…
With all your survival, you have stopped paying attention to how you are feeling and what you are feeling. My sense is you are a bit numb to how you are feeling. I want you to focus on how you are feeling and journal how you are feeling EVERY DAY for 14 days – you will be surprised by the results you will achieve by simply becoming aware of how you feel…
I feel… (Circle the emotions which are most appropriate – at the end of the day, update the chart to see what other emotions you experienced during the day)
People spend a great deal of time talking about their feelings and about their emotions vs. actually processing them and feeling them. They attend workshops, they visit therapists, and they describe how they feel about it. They talk and talk about their feelings but they don’t feel their feelings. They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without feeling them.
To avoid this, ACKNOWLEDGE your emotions and your right to them. This is the beginning… The Naked Divorce program also has a solid structure for how to handle your emotions – watch this space!
Sending you a big hug!
I know when you are going through a divorce that the roller-coaster ride can ‘feel’ very extreme. It alternates between activity and passivity in the very human and desperate efforts to avoid the change triggered by the divorce.
The initial state before the cycle begins is often quite stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.
And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts. The cycle runs as follows:
The Naked Divorce Grieving Cycle
- Anger and Betrayal
- Panic and Negotiation
- Humiliation, Fear of Failure or Looking Bad
- Loss, Grief and Depression
- Space & Nothingness
- Responsibility and Forgiveness
Let me explain the stages in a little more detail. There is the initial ‘Shock’ stage which is an initial paralysis at hearing the bad news of the break up, this is followed by…
- Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable
- Anger and Betrayal stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion
- Panic and Negotiation stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. Making deals with ex
- Humiliation, Fear of Failure or Looking Bad stage: gradually sinking into a spiral, feeling embarrassed and avoiding seeing people
- Despair stage: Realization that something horrible is coming and you are strapped into the rollercoaster with nothing you can do
- Loss, Grief and Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable, surrendering to the grief
- Space & Nothingness stage: Once you have grieved and grieved, experiencing loss and pain. There is a feeling of ‘nothingness’ – where you cannot cry anymore
- Acceptance stage: Seeking realistic solutions and finally finding the way forward
- Responsibility and Forgiveness stage: Taking responsibility for where you may have been responsible for the relationship not working out. Forgiving your ex and yourself for any failings you feel happened during the relationship
- Gratitude stage: Transformational experience – learning from your divorce and seeing positives and negatives from the whole experience
Sometimes just understanding WHERE you are and that it is a process and that you will get through it, really helps. The important thing to keep in mind is that although the graph looks linear – you will bounce between the first 6 ‘stages’ many times.
If you would like to see where you are within the Naked Divorce Grieving cycle, take the How Hung up Are you Test. Click on http://www.nakeddivorce.com/How_Hung_Up_Are_You.html to find out more about taking the test.
Till next time, sending you a big hug!
There are some important considerations to keep in mind when dealing with a life-altering change that is divorce. One of the big confidence boosts after divorce is an invincible feeling that you have survived change. However, it’s very important to watch what you are changing and at what pace you are making those changes.
Case Study: of one of my clients:
Mary was often accused by her ex-husband as being boring. He was a very sporty guy and she was frankly a bit of a couch potato. Their divorce was acrimonious and Mary was left feeling that no one would ever want her. Rather than turning to a positive Naked Divorce and getting over her divorce and changing in a measured way, Mary decided to become GI Jane and took on a military fitness course – a highly physical training even though she hadn’t seen the inside of a gym in years. Needless to say she fractured her wrist in the first week.
|After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’
The moral of the story is that Mary was trying to fix and change being boring in a very ‘crazy’ type of way.
There is no issue with changing your life, but I strongly recommend adding a caveat to all changes by asking ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical?’
Tips for how to recognize when you are going over the top…
- You cannot believe what you are wearing, doing, eating or withholding from yourself
- You’ve become obsessed with your inner thoughts about your ex hearing of the ‘new you’
- You created the ‘new you’ to get your ex’s attention
- More than one friend or family member questions your ‘new look’
- You notice eyebrows rise as you walk in with your new look
- Your food bill has markedly increased or decreased
- You sense people are talking about you – perhaps at work and perhaps too much
- Other aspects of your life are taking second place to the new aspect of you
Are there any drastic changes you are considering making? Notice what is driving you to make these drastic changes and After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’
WATCH THESE – if concerned, contact your doctor or a good friend today.
Sending you a big hug!