A rant about having sex with an ex whilst healing

sex-with-exThere is an article in the Daily Mail today entitled “Why ‘ex-sex’ CAN be a good idea: Sleeping with an old lover lessens psychological distress of break-up… if you’re not over him” (You can read all about it here: LINK)

Apparently research from the University of Arizona (published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology) found that divorced partners who slip back into the marital bed find sex can actually lessen the pain of the break-up.

No kidding… 

We even have the UK sex expert Tracey Cox agreeing with this idea that sex with an ex can provide closure.

Seriously?

“She said: ‘Sometimes we need to go back to move forward, and revisiting the sexual side of the relationship can sometimes make us see very clearly that we’ve idealised the relationship or feel much less pain than we thought. So there’s a sense of closure that can be helpful.’

I know she is an expert, but I definitely don’t agree with this concept at all. I have worked with hundreds of people and I can tell you one thing: If you are hung up on your ex and you sleep with him or her – it’s not called CLOSURE. There is another 7-letter word which is more appropriate and that is called TORTURE.

Sleeping with your ex whilst in the pain of processing your divorce will open a can of worms/spiders/scorpians and all types of critters. Those Z-listers from I AM A CELEBRITY GET ME OUTTA HERE would not even be able to stand 30 seconds with the critters unleashed from that can of worms. Confusion will reign. Time will pass. Future dating partners will disappear. Your children will be confused. They will lose respect for you. You will lose respect for yourself.

Read these hashtags as if my lips were mouthing it: #sexwithexleadstodisaster #sexwithexarmageddon #sexwithexnotworthit #sexwithexcausespain

I think Tracey recommending that we revisit our sexual partners from the past to get closure must be talking about people who want to roll in the hay with someone they feel nothing for where one last shot in the dark concludes the whole relationship swiftly. But life is NEVER that simple. Both parties rarely ever feel nothing for each other so sex rarely leads to closure. Entire seminars have been dedicated to how human beings confuse sex with intimacy and use sex to get closer to people so why think that sex can lead to a severing with the ties?

In many break ups and divorces where kids/houses/betrayals and issues are involved, it can be very complex and not as simple as saying that “partners who had not accepted the break up actually found their divorce less painful whilst they were having sex with their ex.”

OF COURSE THEY FOUND IT LESS PAINFUL.

By sleeping with their ex, they “re-set” the roller-coaster of pain. They delayed the inevitable and important process of grieving and healing by artificially creating HOPE. Maybe one party discovered that they no longer felt anything but rarely will both parties sleep together, high five each other and declare that they are over each other. This study concluded that by sleeping together and delaying the inevitable pain, the pain was lessened overall??? Totally illogical. Whoever came up with the hypothesis and this study did so in a fishtank as there are so many errors of reasoning and co-morbidity factors at play. I think someone needs a hypothesis-testing lesson. I have 3 years of university stats behind me and I have never seen a study like this one. Those journal dudes must have been sleeping when they let this puppy in.

Without being any more Facetious, I must state categorically that this study is ludicrous.

Anyone advocating that you sleeping with an ex whilst healing can actually help you to heal is doing the study in isolation and within a period of days if not weeks. They are not doing their due diligence on the worst-case scenarios which come months or years after or looking at the long-term impact or at how long it takes the individuals to heal whilst bonking their ghosts from Christmas past. By delaying the inevitable pain in severing ties with your ex, retail therapy, alcoholic or drug benders, dinners with mates, dates, working long hours or anything which is about being ‘busy’ whilst dying inside and avoiding being alone — you have fallen foul of the classic SHORT TERM EMOTION AVOIDANCE TACTICS. In other words, you are valuing short term satisfaction over moving on and over your values like pride, self respect and honouring yourself.

Basically, find another way to double click your mouse. Your ex does not need to be the one to do it.

 Sex with an ex can be psychologically very confusing and damaging!

I do know that sometimes partners will continue to sleep with each other after a break up. The break up brings up really sad and awful feelings and sometimes the sex is a way to break the loneliness and maintain closeness with someone. Because you are less familiar with each other, the sex can feel more passionate but it’s born out of a neediness rather than a genuine commitment between two people to stay together. Sometimes couples will ‘use’ each other in this way whilst they are breaking up. This prolongs the inevitable, because the moment either party meets someone new, the sexual relationship will end or fizzle out and the pain will be too great to bare. I know some instances where women continue to sleep with their ex even long after he has got married to someone else and had new children.

Personally and in my experience I recommend the clean break option. It is truly the best for both parties and brings clear closure to the relationship. It hurts and feels awful for a few weeks but you don’t waste your life or your time hanging onto the old relationship.

Also, I believe that women and men are more susceptible to have sex with their ex during the ‘Panic/ Negotiation’ phase within The Naked Divorce Grief Cycle as a way to get back together with their ex. The major drawback is that one partner can have sex and it doesn’t need to mean anything to them, whereas the wounded partner will make sex mean all kinds of things and could wound up getting really hurt.

Understand the phases you will go through after your divorce. Understand your hormones and those angst-ridden feelings and where they are coming from. The next time you feel compelled to contact your ex, ask yourself a few questions:

¤ Do you miss being with your ex or do you simply miss being in a couple?

¤ What if your ex says yes and says ‘let’s give it another go’ – will you be able to change what didn’t work with the relationship?
¤ If you are leaving the outcome of your relationship with your ex and very much in their hands – what do YOU want? Is this the person you want to be with for the rest of your life? EVEN IF absolutely nothing changed?
¤ How does being single make you feel?

If you are Struggling to get over your Ex or in Letting the relationship go, find something like the Naked Divorce Program. Our program has been designed to support you in getting over your relationship and there are loads of exercises each day to support you in making the break between yourself and your ex.

 Some Communication Guidelines For the 1st Year

These guidelines are in place to support you in your healing within the first year and in you developing your own interests and your own life. If you feel you can have a friendship with your ex where you still maintain your own life, then you choose which of these points below support you in your new life.

There is no right or wrong answer, you need to find the path that works for you. Here are some principles behind the CLEAN BREAK approach which is useful to adopt in the initial stages of healing. Once you have healed, friendship can certainly be on the table…

¤ Do not call your ex, e-mail your ex or visit unnecessarily to brag about how great your life is, to tell them about a promotion, the death of a relative, or a terrific trip you just took. Don’t try to make your ex jealous or find excuses to engage with your ex because you are lonely or curious or needy. Allow your ex to move on with his or her life, and you do the same. It will be easier for your new partner to get involved in an unencumbered relationship. Be graceful and accept it’s over and focus your energy in new relationships or existing relationships with relatives or friends

¤ If you have a new partner, and you and your ex are friendly, you may have dinner with your ex and your children. If your partner is along, too, and your ex’s partner, if he or she has one, is included. Never disparage your ex in front of your children. It is damaging to the children

¤ I recommend not inviting your ex to your wedding – There is no reason for your ex to be there and many reasons for your ex not to be there. Your attention should ALL be on your new spouse and his or her family and friends. If your ex invites you to his or her wedding, kindly decline and send a modest gift that doesn’t imply anything

¤ Remove your ex from Facebook, Test Messaging and Social Media – at least for a while. If you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures then remove him from your social media networks. It’ll just make you wonder who he/she is talking to (or obsess about those girls who keep posting messages to him), and you don’t need that. Remove your ex’s page from your favorites and look for a new friend or two to take his MySpace place. If you have established your new life and feel there is a clear boundary between the two of you which is healthy, feel free to re-establish this contact

¤ If you know that you might call or email your ex when you are drunk, then write their contact details down safely in a book and delete his/her number, email address and IM address from your mobile phone. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact your ex as the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery. Again, once you are over the relationship and have established your new life, feel free to add his number back onto your phone

¤ Limit in-person contact for a while – as there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-divorce head, I recommend not seeing your ex in person for a while. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including waking up beside him the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex or even worse, getting arrested for assault and battery

If you are torturing yourself and not moving on, you need help. TIME IS PRECIOUS and rather than prolonging the pain, do stuff.

If you want to know more about what we do, call us. We are here to serve.

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

AdeleSign

Advertisements

Are you single or living alone? You are not alone on that one!

 

Claudia Connell on Mail Online gives a painfully honest account of how she came to be living alone in middle-age: Now in her 40′s, Claudia talks of how her single life, which was once embraced and celebrated for its exciting perks, has lost its gloss.

Claudia states: “I was part of the Sex And the City generation — successful, feisty women who made their own money, answered to no one and lived life to the full. When it came to men, my attitude to them was the same as it was towards the latest must-have handbag: only the best would do, no compromises should be made, and even then it would be quickly tired of and cast aside. However at the age of 46, I’ve unwillingly accepted that my opportunity to have a family has gone and the chances of meeting a decent man aren’t looking too rosy either.  What none of us spent too long thinking about in our 20′s and 30s was how our lifestyles would impact on us once we reached middle-age, when we didn’t want to go out and get sozzled on cocktails and had replaced our stilettos and skinny jeans with flat shoes and elasticated waists.

Freedom is great when you can exploit it; but when you have so much that you don’t know what to do with it, then it all becomes a little pointless.” Claudia wrote in Mail online.

Today in the UK, there are record numbers of middle-aged single people. There are many other woman and men just like Claudia that can relate to the emotions and realties of this lifestyle. Not so many will be as bold as to admit but Figures speak loud in this circumstance.

Statistics released by the Office of National Statistics showed that 7.6 million people are currently living alone in the UK. And the fastest growing group in this is a 2.5 million percentage that fall between the ages of 45 and 64 who live alone with no spouse, partner or children. The figure represents a mind blowing 50 per cent increase since the mid-Nineties. Perhaps materially well off in this generation but seemingly emotionally bereft.

It’s a somewhat upsetting report but a correct one none the less and while some woman and men are quite comfortable with their circumstance of living alone, the truth is most will admit that they had wished they had someone to share it with, a partner, child or other family.

This article is in no way intended to be a spiral of depression and reminder of your singleness – if you are. However sometimes a reminder of these situations can be a healthy way into knowing what you want and chasing after that, not missing the importance of opportunities when they come to your door. Whether that is a new relationship – Or a chance of amending one with a family member or the opportunity to take action in your situation of feeling broken and to fight for healing from your past. So you can become a full representation of yourself again, not regretting your life away and wishing you had realised things sooner.

The wonderful thing that we should never take for granted is that we do live in world and country of endless opportunities, and if we know what we want and take action in getting it, we can fight for our aspirations and dreams to live the way in which we desire. Unfortunately life does throw its whirlwinds and it can knock us clean off our feet from a place in which we were quite comfortable, but if we stay there in that brokenness or state of unawareness or denial of what was really going on, we will end up looking back wishing and regretting, and on search for who can invent us that time machine!

Life is always going to be a whirlwind you just have to learn how to pick yourself up once you’ve been knocked down. Like everyone, we all think and worry about the future and wonder where we will be in 10-20 years of our life. Some of us seriously wonder how we can possible get to a place we see desirable by then.

But the truth is there are ways and people to help you get there, opportunities that do come around, they might come in disguise but they come, so look for them and take a hold of them!

If you feel yourself feeling morose or depressed at the prospect of being single or you are clear you have not healed from your divorce or bad break up – stop suffering in silence and talk to us. We have a whole team of angels who are ready to chat to you. Email us on ANGEL SUPPORT or call us on:

  • UK: +44 (0)208 638 0841
  • USA: +1 646 736 7448
  • RSA: +27 (0)11 083 8901
  • AUS: +61 (0)2 8006 10558

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Some AWESOME dating tip audios from my friend Candy Janetta!

I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine who helps people find their perfect match after divorce.

She is a relationship coach and author of ‘How to meet your perfect match’. Her name is Candy Janetta.

She is happily married and helped hundreds of single people to get the relationships they want. You can find out more about Candy here: www.howtomeetyourperfectmatch.com

She has kindly allowed me to share some great content she recorded some time ago, which I think you will LOVE. If you like it, tell Candy, she would be chuffed.


The 3 Reasons people are not successful at dating

 


Highlighting different traits between men and women in relationships

 


How to Identify the relationship you want

 


How to Identify the relationship you want

 


The 6 things to overcome before successful dating

 


The 6 things to overcome before successful dating

 


The Do’s and Don’t of online dating

 


Getting your online profile just right

 


The art of flirting

 

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Some Principles of Keeping Love Alive…

I am sometimes really frustrated that the education system today does not prepare us for what it TRULY takes to make a romantic relationship work in the long-term. I wish that I had known some of these principles before I got married. Unfortunately I had to make all the mistakes before I learnt all of these lessons for the future. I had to develop some compassion for myself because I really didn’t have the insights I have today back when I actually needed them. I am therefore committed to keep mastering the principles of keeping love alive, not only to ensure that my clients benefit from all this wisdom but that I ensure my own future happiness in my relationship.

In your next relationship, keep some principles in mind to assist you in keeping love alive. These are tips I have put together after reading 27 books on the topic, interviewing experts and from my own personal experience in working with couples.

Keeping love alive principle #1: Let him win at loving you

This is a lesson I learnt the hard way. I had to own up to the fact that I never let my ex-husband win at loving me. I spent most of the time playing hard to get, difficult, dramatic or testing him. Your man needs to feel that by simply being around you, he can make you happy and that you’re at peace and fully satisfied in his company. This is why an overly-critical woman can make her man feel he’s failed at loving her. He’ll withdraw his affection and love in return. He may even say things like, “I can’t win”. Ask yourself, “Have I let him feel he can always win at loving me?” This is a crucial lesson for keeping love alive. When you come home and you’re feeling grumpy, ensure your man knows he is amazing and that he makes you very happy and that your moods have nothing to do with him.

Keeping love alive principle #2: Maintain the polarity of your relationship

The feminine essence is: Loving, caring, spontaneous, crazy, unpredictable, free, fun, mental, dramatic, turbulent, shrieking at the sight of a mouse/spider/creature with more legs than yourself, outspoken, honest, vulnerable, raw, carefree, real, weepy, emotional, a hurricane, self-expressed, creative, chatty, babbling and making no sense, cooking, loud, noisy, peaceful, sexy, goddess-like, mysterious, a dancing nymph,
wanting to be comforted, nurtured, supported and loved. The feminine essence is not: controlling, overly organized, bossy, nagging, changing light bulbs (even if she is perfectly capable of doing so), killing snakes, doing manly chores that require power tools, silent, talking about her emotions instead of
feeling them, too intellectual, so damn independent that a man will sense she doesn’t need him (sadly, he will be right). Focus on remembering these points whenever you feel your man slipping away from you. Step back into your feminine essence and he will come straight back to you.

Keeping love alive principle #3: Maintain separateness and move to your own rhythm

It was Sherry Argov who distinguished that ‘men equate longing with love.’ If you do everything together, there will be no opportunity for your man to experience any longing for you. So, don’t jump through hoops for him. Don’t suffocate him by always wanting to be where he is or checking up on him. If he texts you, don’t respond immediately if you are busy with something else. Wait a little while until you have completed what you were doing before texting him back. If you get home and see there is a message from him, wait until you’ve settled in, made a cup of tea, had a bath or dinner, or anything else you want to do before checking the message.

NOTE: To keep sexual chemistry alive in your relationship, remain feminine in your relationship and true to your feminine essence. Allow your
man to be the man in your life.

Keep your own interests and activities alive. Every few nights, ensure you have a gym class, dinner, a movie or a book club with a girlfriend or something that ensures he doesn’t always have your movements pinned down. You’ll see when you get home afterwards that he’s missed you…

Keeping love alive principle #4: When he disappears on you, focus on making yourself happy

Men disappear from time to time and as author John Gray stated in ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ They do go into their caves from time to time. It’s a basic need and one that too many women don’t understand. When he disappears, he’s usually still physically present, but emotionally distant and distracted. At these times, dig deep, practice the Worry Buster exercise on Day 17 of the naked divorce programme and reassure yourself that this is a test. He is testing your reactions. Our natural instinct is to want to know why. We’ll want to know if there’s something wrong. No! No! No! This will drive him further into the cave. You have to focus on making yourself happy. Organize a dinner with your girlfriends. Play tennis. Go to the gym. Have a luxurious bath and pamper session. Whistle while you’re cooking dinner. Leave him be. Don’t question or enquire. Smile at him and give his hand a squeeze,
then walk away and go and be happy. This will surprise him because men are used to women acting very clingy whenever they retreat into their caves. He will be concerned that your life does not revolve around him and that you seem happy without him doing anything. The hunter within him will return from his cave very fast to reclaim his woman, you’ll see!

There are many more of these principles in the naked divorce book. Purchase it today to learn more!

Hope you enjoyed that, till next time!

Big hugs

Dating After Divorce…

I’m often asked: ‘When is a good time to start dating?’

One of the difficulties women face when they’re ready to start dating is where and how to start. Starting too soon or for the wrong reasons is not going to help re-build your self-confidence or help you become open to new intimate relationships.

Let’s not overlook the fact that you may be the one who wanted the divorce because you were already in a relationship with someone else.

I suggest you start by simply getting together with friends or work colleagues for fun, relaxation and enjoyment.

 

 

 

  • Be prudent – It pays to be wise and judicious when re-entering the dating game. Now that you’re newly single, try to establish balance in your life. You may be eager to date, but don’t forget to make time for yourself, your children, family and friends. Date if you feel ready. But don’t make it your life.
  • Cultivate relationships with other single people – If you don’t already have single friends, find some. Your single friends will be a great resource because they’re the same situation; unattached and needing company. It’s easier to go out in a group and to meet people that way. And it always helps to have company when dealing with a new life situation.
  • One date does not form a relationship – Not everyone you date will be interested in a second date and vice versa. It’s more challenging when you’re interested in a second date and your beau is not. But don’t let that deter you. You don’t want to waste your precious time in a cul de sac relationship. Neither should you let it get you thinking negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination. Don’t take dating, or yourself, too seriously.
  • Don’t come on too strong – If you were in a long-term marriage, you’re used to being part of a couple. Being single again is a huge adjustment. But be wary of the ‘couple habit’. Don’t let your need to be part of a couple make you come on too strong. You’re dating, not stalking, so be careful not to overwhelm any potential new partner.
  • Don’t forget to respect yourself – Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. Circumspection will convey a positive sense of self and create some mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Do not pour out your divorce story. Divorce is an event in your life. It is not a permanent state of being. I still refuse to add ‘divorced’ on forms other than legal forms where it’s required
  • Experiment – Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. You will not find Mr. Right on every date you go on but, keep an open mind and you will at least learn something new. And you might have a lot of fun.
  • Try something new – Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought processes, step outside your stereotypes and broaden your horizons. After a divorce, you may find you’re naturally attracted to a very different kind of man. And although first impressions count, just because you weren’t swept off your feet on the first date doesn’t mean this can’t happen later. This is life, not a movie.
  • Never underestimate the power of flirting – Nothing is more fun and better for a woman’s self esteem than a little gentle flirtation. And nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. But be wary of below-the-belt flirtation. The idea is to be light and breezy, not sleazy. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long-term goal of falling in love.

Think of new places to meet men

  • Highly recommended: Take up a new hobby, something that will stretch you, such as scuba diving, golf, sky diving, flying, mountain trekking, motorcycling or camping. Think of outdoor activities that attract men (a sewing class is not really appropriate). The men you meet in these circumstances won’t mind seeing you in thick hiking socks with fly-away hair, so there’s far less pressure on you. Your interactions will also be centred on mutual activities, so it’s a very relaxed and healthy way to meet new people and make new friends.
  • Highly recommended: Personal development programmes – To me, this is one of the best places to meet men. I met my partner at an entrepreneurship course called Play2Win. I would never have thought that while I was focused on winning the game, I would actually meet an amazing man. It took me completely by surprise!
  • Ask your friends to introduce you to their single friends
  • Online dating – I think online dating is great. I don’t recommend classified advertisements as I don’t believe you can thoroughly vet someone new through this process, unlike online dating. If you’re careful, cautious and sensible, you’ll be able to start conversations with a number of people you probably wouldn’t meet in bars or clubs. The best part about online dating is that you simply start out chatting online. You aren’t dealing with anyone face to face and so rejection is not an issue. He doesn’t know your address or phone number and you aren’t under any obligations. These days, there are many online dating services available. You can take your pick. But be cautious. There are some strange people out there. Make sure you’re the one in control and never give out your address or phone number. If and when you choose to meet some cyber friend in person (don’t rush into it; take your time to get to know them online first), make sure it is in a safe environment and away from your home or workplace. Here are some online dating tips:
    • Be creative with your online dating profile so you highlight those aspects of yourself that are interesting and individual. Create a little mystery so that men will be curious to meet you.
    • Be honest in your profile and be honest about what you are looking for, whether it’s a short-term or long-term relationship.
    • Choose a recent photograph that shows you at your best. Do not alter your picture. Real men will want to meet real women.
    • When arranging to meet someone for the first time, always ensure you tell a friend where you’re going and arrange to check in with them at least once during the evening to let them know you’re okay.
  • Speed Dating – This is great fun, a great laugh and a really fantastic way to get back into the swing of dating. But consider these tips first:
    • Ensure you go just for fun, with no expectations at all.
    • Go with your friends and make it a fun evening.
    • Dress well but don’t overdo it!
    • Before you go, list some questions to ask people.
    • Get up to speed with the latest news or think of some zippy conversation starters rather than the boring ‘So what do you do?’ line.
    • Know a bit about the venue.
  • Dating agencies – I don’t have any experience with dating agencies. My only information is that they spend time matching you with the ‘right’ person. This is good but the drawback is that the service is costly.
  • Singles holidays – Fantastic, particularly if you go with a good attitude: to have fun and meet new people. I would recommend choosing trips that are physically demanding as they will put you in a good frame of mind and give you something to focus on, rather than simply meeting a man. Think of a hobby that interests you, a pilgrimage, a new sport, a hike up Kilimanjaro perhaps. Revisit your ‘List of things to do before you die’ and choose a holiday you can take. I recommend that you go alone (yes, alone) to ensure you don’t hide behind a friend – and that you’re well out of your comfort zone. Think Shirley Valentine!

For more dating tips, visit the naked divorce YouTube channel on www.youtube.com/nakeddivorce.

Chat soon!

The Rebound relationship… To do or not to do…

I’ve known women who have started dating almost immediately after divorce. Others may enjoy what are known as ‘transitional sex partners’ These are usually people who become good friends and bed partners during the intervening period between divorce and falling in love again.

The important thing is to be clear about the boundaries of these relationships. If this works for you, enjoy it and have fun. You’re an adult and you can make your own choices.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be clear on the nature of your new relationship, ask yourself:

  • How soon did I get involved with this person after my marriage breakdown?
  • How do I really feel about this person?
  • Am I really interested in them or are they a distraction?
  • Have I changed in order to attract this person into my life? Am I being myself?
  • Am I still thinking about my ex and my former relationship?

Be aware of attracting rescuers while you’re healing

As we live, work and move we’re projecting an image and expressing energy all the time. Our sense of self and our energy change, constantly reflecting what we’re dealing with and experiencing in our lives.

When we’re passionate and creative and we’re making choices and decisions that match our life’s purpose and values, we project self-confidence, enthusiasm, joy and vibrancy towards life. Conversely, while we’re healing from divorce, the image and energy we project may well mirror a more dependent and fragile person who expresses less joy, passion and enthusiasm than we otherwise would.

The men you meet while you’re in a ‘compromised’ state may well be attracted to your vulnerability and that part of you that is needy and wanting to be comforted and cared for. This is a danger zone for relationships.

As you heal from the grief and loss precipitated by divorce and you begin to regain your personal strength, passion and joie de vive, the man who ‘signed up’ to take care of you may wind up feeling jealous, confused, and threatened by your ‘new’ independence. Within day 13 of the naked divorce for women book – we discuss the Drama Triangle and it’s impact so be wary of attracting rescuers during your time of healing.

Recovering from loss and heartache is an inside job. It is important to stay mindful of how you think, feel and respond to people and situations.

Become a good observer of yourself. Notice new attitudes, thoughts, feelings or beliefs that might be emerging. Have you learnt anything you’d like to integrate into your worldview or your way of being in the world? With friends and family? At work? In another love relationship?

Don’t attach yourself to any new acquaintances or friends who see you as less than you are.

What are the characteristics of a healthy relationship?

  • Honesty and trust
    Giving real compliments
    Discussing problems
    Using ‘I’ messages to share feelings
    Asking for what we want, not expecting they owe it to us
    Admitting mistakes
    Asking (not accusing) each other about rumours
  • Emotional respect
    Disagreeing without put-downs or threats
    Respecting their right to be safe and to control their own body and decisions
    Trying to understand their feelings, even if we disagree with their ideas
    Caring to find out their point-of-view
  • Listening
    Asking what they think and how they feel
    Empathising by putting ourselves in their shoes; guessing what they feel
    Saying what we think we heard to check for understanding
    Asking what is important to them
  • Freedom and encouragement
    We have the right to our own, and support each other’s rights to have, opinions, feelings, space, activities, friends and dreams
    Expressing fears, instead of claiming ownership, when jealous
    Either person can decide to break up
  • Sharing activities
    Hanging out together sometimes
    Doing things each person enjoys
    Encouraging each other’s enjoyment and success
    Learning from each other
  • Kindness
    Helping each other (while respecting our own limits)
    Giving gifts sincerely, not to get something back; the thought, not the money counts
    Showing our care through consistent respect (not abuse followed by apologies)
  • Mutual affection
    Telling things that we like and appreciate about each other
    Each decides if, how, and when we want to be to touched; checking to ensure affection is mutual
    Respecting each other’s values, property, bodies, space and limits; stopping if one says ‘No’
  • Shared decision-making
    Deciding things together, not ordering
    Negotiating differences
    Splitting costs fairly
    Searching for win-win solutions
    Whoever pays, no one owes anyone kisses, touching, or anything else

Trust yourself, you will know what to do!

Sending you a big hug!