Does Time Heal? They Say 18 Months – I Say 21 Days!

e08c65b4068a173f39c0f51ca1db5dd1A survey covered in this Daily Mail article interviewed 155 people and found that breakups take 11 weeks to get over on average. The article also says it takes 18 months to get over a divorce.

Actually, I’d say with no good strategy, even breakups take 18 months to heal from. It may take just 11 weeks to get over the split, but not to fully heal and get back to your joyous, strong, positive, life-loving self again. Because:

Healing requires active engagement with the topic!

Which is why it really takes 18 months to heal without any system or engagement or strategy, or without the right support.

And during that 18 month period, without the proper healing, you’re very likely to move into more unsuccessful relationships, which will end in breakup or divorce too. 56% of second marriages also end in divorce, and 72% of third marriages – the statistics don’t lie!

Time alone does not heal wounds

Many types of relationship therapy may tell you that it just takes time to heal and there’s nothing more to do about it, but it’s just not true! It makes me sad that so many people believe this nonsense and live unnecessarily with their pain or depression for months and even years.

I’ve seen time and time again that healing happens in short spurts during that time.

Healing is not a linear chronological process – it happens when you focus on healing. And with good strategy, process, attention and support you can make those short spurts of healing happen quickly, over the course of a few weeks. Not months or years.

Here’s another statistic for you – 97% of divorcees who take my Naked Divorce program are successfulin getting over AND healing from all their trauma in 21 days.

Back on track, happy and loving life once more. Check out their personal stories here.

It’s a pity the study above didn’t ask the recipients exactly when and how they felt little bursts of improvement and how they worked to those points and through them.

When you actively embrace the healing process, and face the sometimes very difficult feelings and stages to work through, in an intelligent way, you create an environment where these flashes of improvement and healing begin to happen.

Unfortunately, there is evidence that traditional forms of therapy don’t help the recovery process at all. In fact, there are clear conflicts of interest that certainly don’t incentivize therapists to get their clients cured, healed and happy as rapidly as possible.

Clients become dependent on therapists, and therapists gain secure, long-term clients and income

Imagine if a relationship therapist had to find new clients every month because they were helping them heal so quickly. Business would become extremely tough. Far better to have a guaranteed monthly or weekly client paying for a year or more – make sure you don’t become one of these clients!

With my program, I’ve deliberately incentivized myself and my team of Divorce Angels to help people truly, properly, deeply heal faster and more effectively. Our reputation depends on it.

I want that 97% success rate in 21 days to go up to 99%, not down to 95%.

Come and try the system, we’d be delighted to prove it to you!

Or if you have any questions at all about getting over your divorce, do ask.

I’m here to help.

AdeleSign2

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The Divorce Etiquette report!
The Divorce Etiquette report!

 

 

 

If forever single and 50+ – are you a woman who emasculates men?

In a recent article for the Daily Mail, Kate Mulvey bemoans the fact that as she approaches 50, she is not yet married, putting this down to the fact that men are unable to cope with a woman ‘outshining’ them. She refers to recent research confirming this, saying ‘I have lost count of the times men have rejected and insulted me simply because I was brighter, wittier or cleverer than they are.’

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In her article, Kate talks about several occasions when her partners (for she seems to have had many), have reacted negatively when she has demonstrated her superior knowledge or intellect. She is ‘convinced that the reason I am still booking a table for one..[is] because men are so threatened by my intelligence.’

Kate outlines her academic prowess, including having breezed through university, stressing how she continues to enjoy learning, and how she is keen to flex [her] intellectual muscles, and to never let a man get the last word just because of his sex. Kate concludes that it’s necessary to become a giggly man-pleaser in order to have a successful relationship, and is unwilling to sell-out by doing so.

Fair enough Kate, but I am not sure if your assessment of why you are single is accurate…

I don’t think men are threatened by you, I think men feel emasculated around you so don’t like the way they feel about themselves when with you, so they leave you…

I agree that it’s not necessary to conform to some stereotypical view of a submissive doormat, who flutters her eyelashes and simpers, because it’s impossible to attract a man otherwise BUT I also think shoving your superior knowledge or intellect in their faces is not going to win any relationship points.

Consider what makes a fulfilling and positive relationship. What do most people, male or female, look for in a relationship? Of course, there are many answers to this, and what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make another person feel the same. However, at the heart of any strong relationship is the concept of mutual love, support and respect, and the idea of your partner wanting the best for you, and helping you to be the best that you can be. No-one feels happy in a relationship where one partner is so concerned to demonstrate their capability or strengths, that they don’t take their partner’s feelings into consideration.

The sad thing is I SEE SO MANY WOMEN LIKE KATE WHO DO THIS. They then blame the men for being threatened!! Ladies: showing a constant need to be the best, or always wanting the last word, is not a good way to communicate care and respect for your man. For a relationship to deepen and strengthen over time, it needs to be carefully nurtured and nourished, by letting him know that he is the most important person in the world to you, and that you care about how he feels. Continually undermining him, or competing with him, will exhaust him and damage and end your relationship.

Here are some sure fire signs that you emasculate men:

  • Ask him for help, then either criticise what he did, redo it or do it your way
  • Fight and shout in scream in public
  • Call him names in front of other people or mock him in public in ANY way, shape or form
  • Belittle what he does for a living
  • Mother him
  • Flirt with his friends in front of him
  • Tell him another guy could do it better
  • Straighten his tie or preen his clothes for him in public (like his mother used to do)
  • Pat him on the head in public
  • Never praise anything he does, just criticise
  • Nag and nag ang nag him shouting instructions at him to do x,y or z
  • Belittle his manhood
  • Micromanage his every move
  • Tell him you will pay for things all the time or ASSUME that he cannot pay his own way
  • Embaress him by giving him bigger presents than he gives you
  • Nothing he does is ever good enough
  • Go on and on about how clever you are
  • Laugh at him mockingly often
  • Make his salary an issue

What makes a great relationship? When both of you feel like the best person of yourselves when together. Most men I know have no problem with a highly intelligent woman – on the contrary: they look for them. BUT when a highly intelligent woman is also arrogant, haughty or emasculating to be around – most men will run a mile.

If a couple lays a foundation of mutual support, encouragement and respect, this builds confidence in the relationship. True love is demonstrated by the willingness to compromise occasionally, and a genuine concern to act with their best interests at heart. You will not want to hurt or embarrass your fella, especially in public. Choosing not to outshine your man on occasions, (even if you could), is not selling out. You simply recognise that consideration for his feelings is far more important to the health of your relationship. A man who truly feels loved and valued will not want to leave.

SO, if you are forever single, serially dating and being dumped and 50+ and have been telling yourself that you are just too smart and intelligent for all the men out there – stop. Take a look at yourself. Has your positive sense of self turned your arrogant and do you emasculate the men around you? If so, then come and do the Naked Divorce program and get to the source of why you keep pushing great guys away and sending most men running a mile. As you are the common equation in each relationship you have ever been in, it might be time to look deeper at what you can be responsible for.

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

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TANTRUM – the anger management program so you can LET RIP and GET FIT

Coming to your from the founders of the critically acclaimed Tantrum Club, find out what people think about the all new anger management FITNESS program. For the first time ever you can completely LET RIP whilst getting FIT. Not only will you release all negative emotions like anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness whilst getting an INSANE workout – you will re-balance and recenter yourself at the end of the class. Tantrum is based on months and months of research into which movements release which emotions culminating in a never-seen before series of choreography and dance moves.

The danger of suppression: Don’t bottle up your emotions

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Any serious scientist will be familiar with the assertion that stress causes immune-compromise. A recent study by researchers at Harvard School of Public Health has finally put this long-held knowledge into perspective, deciphering that those who bottle up their feelings have a cardiovascular disease risk of 140 per cent and a risk of cancer of 170 per cent when compared to individuals who share how they feel. Overall, the risk of premature death for those who keep their negative feelings to themselves is around 135 per cent that of individuals unafraid to speak their minds. When framed in this way, the dangers of suppressing emotions are hard to ignore, but how exactly does bottling up your emotions lead to real and tangible damage to the body? The article below will explore the molecular and physiological mechanisms behind this startling array of statistics, and provide some helpful tips to managing your rage, and keeping your body healthy!

Although the concrete mechanism linking bottled-up emotions and premature death has yet to be established, several sound scientific principles may be applied in order to elucidate some facts about the forces at work. Firstly, it is conceivable that those who feel that they must hide their emotions from others are more susceptible to seeking comfort in substance abuse such as alcohol addiction, cigarette smoking, or the use of other harmful drugs in order to relieve their stress. The use of these substances has several obvious and detrimental effects to health and so needs no explanation here. The second suspected mechanism is slightly less direct in nature.

When the body is coping with a stress response, such as un-vented anger or pent-up rage, a hormone known as Cortisol is released. Cortisol is a hormone of critical importance to humans, but it also has some unwanted effects in individuals experiencing high levels of stress. Cortisol is a steroid hormone, specifically a glucocorticoid, meaning that it is capable of suppressing the immune system’s response to damage or invading pathogens. This unfortunate effect means that individuals who have a higher than normal stress level, and thus a raised Cortisol level, will have under-effective immune systems, not only opening the floodgates to any nasty bugs that may wish to make your body their home, but also preventing a complete response from being carried out towards invaders from within – cancer cells. Every day, the immune system destroys a cell that would otherwise have become cancerous, so it’s easy to see how quickly things can go wrong when this response is working below optimum levels.All is not lost, though. Studies have shown that releasing anger actually increases blood flow to those parts of the brain responsible for pleasure and reward, thus making taking out your frustration a ‘feel good’ experience. However, there are those of us for whom releasing anger at every turn can very quickly end both friendships and careers.

Perhaps a change in outlook is the answer? Conditioning your brain to be more optimistic about everyday situations and into overlooking the minor foibles of others can quite literally be a lifesaver. The statistics speak for themselves, and lend credence to the thought that optimistic people really do live longer than their pessimistic, stressed out counterparts.

Speaking of which, we are about to launch www.tantrumworld.com – a whole new approach to releasing your anger whilst becoming healthier. So, why not try to LET RIP whilst GETTING FIT?

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

AdeleSign

A rant about having sex with an ex whilst healing

sex-with-exThere is an article in the Daily Mail today entitled “Why ‘ex-sex’ CAN be a good idea: Sleeping with an old lover lessens psychological distress of break-up… if you’re not over him” (You can read all about it here: LINK)

Apparently research from the University of Arizona (published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology) found that divorced partners who slip back into the marital bed find sex can actually lessen the pain of the break-up.

No kidding… 

We even have the UK sex expert Tracey Cox agreeing with this idea that sex with an ex can provide closure.

Seriously?

“She said: ‘Sometimes we need to go back to move forward, and revisiting the sexual side of the relationship can sometimes make us see very clearly that we’ve idealised the relationship or feel much less pain than we thought. So there’s a sense of closure that can be helpful.’

I know she is an expert, but I definitely don’t agree with this concept at all. I have worked with hundreds of people and I can tell you one thing: If you are hung up on your ex and you sleep with him or her – it’s not called CLOSURE. There is another 7-letter word which is more appropriate and that is called TORTURE.

Sleeping with your ex whilst in the pain of processing your divorce will open a can of worms/spiders/scorpians and all types of critters. Those Z-listers from I AM A CELEBRITY GET ME OUTTA HERE would not even be able to stand 30 seconds with the critters unleashed from that can of worms. Confusion will reign. Time will pass. Future dating partners will disappear. Your children will be confused. They will lose respect for you. You will lose respect for yourself.

Read these hashtags as if my lips were mouthing it: #sexwithexleadstodisaster #sexwithexarmageddon #sexwithexnotworthit #sexwithexcausespain

I think Tracey recommending that we revisit our sexual partners from the past to get closure must be talking about people who want to roll in the hay with someone they feel nothing for where one last shot in the dark concludes the whole relationship swiftly. But life is NEVER that simple. Both parties rarely ever feel nothing for each other so sex rarely leads to closure. Entire seminars have been dedicated to how human beings confuse sex with intimacy and use sex to get closer to people so why think that sex can lead to a severing with the ties?

In many break ups and divorces where kids/houses/betrayals and issues are involved, it can be very complex and not as simple as saying that “partners who had not accepted the break up actually found their divorce less painful whilst they were having sex with their ex.”

OF COURSE THEY FOUND IT LESS PAINFUL.

By sleeping with their ex, they “re-set” the roller-coaster of pain. They delayed the inevitable and important process of grieving and healing by artificially creating HOPE. Maybe one party discovered that they no longer felt anything but rarely will both parties sleep together, high five each other and declare that they are over each other. This study concluded that by sleeping together and delaying the inevitable pain, the pain was lessened overall??? Totally illogical. Whoever came up with the hypothesis and this study did so in a fishtank as there are so many errors of reasoning and co-morbidity factors at play. I think someone needs a hypothesis-testing lesson. I have 3 years of university stats behind me and I have never seen a study like this one. Those journal dudes must have been sleeping when they let this puppy in.

Without being any more Facetious, I must state categorically that this study is ludicrous.

Anyone advocating that you sleeping with an ex whilst healing can actually help you to heal is doing the study in isolation and within a period of days if not weeks. They are not doing their due diligence on the worst-case scenarios which come months or years after or looking at the long-term impact or at how long it takes the individuals to heal whilst bonking their ghosts from Christmas past. By delaying the inevitable pain in severing ties with your ex, retail therapy, alcoholic or drug benders, dinners with mates, dates, working long hours or anything which is about being ‘busy’ whilst dying inside and avoiding being alone — you have fallen foul of the classic SHORT TERM EMOTION AVOIDANCE TACTICS. In other words, you are valuing short term satisfaction over moving on and over your values like pride, self respect and honouring yourself.

Basically, find another way to double click your mouse. Your ex does not need to be the one to do it.

 Sex with an ex can be psychologically very confusing and damaging!

I do know that sometimes partners will continue to sleep with each other after a break up. The break up brings up really sad and awful feelings and sometimes the sex is a way to break the loneliness and maintain closeness with someone. Because you are less familiar with each other, the sex can feel more passionate but it’s born out of a neediness rather than a genuine commitment between two people to stay together. Sometimes couples will ‘use’ each other in this way whilst they are breaking up. This prolongs the inevitable, because the moment either party meets someone new, the sexual relationship will end or fizzle out and the pain will be too great to bare. I know some instances where women continue to sleep with their ex even long after he has got married to someone else and had new children.

Personally and in my experience I recommend the clean break option. It is truly the best for both parties and brings clear closure to the relationship. It hurts and feels awful for a few weeks but you don’t waste your life or your time hanging onto the old relationship.

Also, I believe that women and men are more susceptible to have sex with their ex during the ‘Panic/ Negotiation’ phase within The Naked Divorce Grief Cycle as a way to get back together with their ex. The major drawback is that one partner can have sex and it doesn’t need to mean anything to them, whereas the wounded partner will make sex mean all kinds of things and could wound up getting really hurt.

Understand the phases you will go through after your divorce. Understand your hormones and those angst-ridden feelings and where they are coming from. The next time you feel compelled to contact your ex, ask yourself a few questions:

¤ Do you miss being with your ex or do you simply miss being in a couple?

¤ What if your ex says yes and says ‘let’s give it another go’ – will you be able to change what didn’t work with the relationship?
¤ If you are leaving the outcome of your relationship with your ex and very much in their hands – what do YOU want? Is this the person you want to be with for the rest of your life? EVEN IF absolutely nothing changed?
¤ How does being single make you feel?

If you are Struggling to get over your Ex or in Letting the relationship go, find something like the Naked Divorce Program. Our program has been designed to support you in getting over your relationship and there are loads of exercises each day to support you in making the break between yourself and your ex.

 Some Communication Guidelines For the 1st Year

These guidelines are in place to support you in your healing within the first year and in you developing your own interests and your own life. If you feel you can have a friendship with your ex where you still maintain your own life, then you choose which of these points below support you in your new life.

There is no right or wrong answer, you need to find the path that works for you. Here are some principles behind the CLEAN BREAK approach which is useful to adopt in the initial stages of healing. Once you have healed, friendship can certainly be on the table…

¤ Do not call your ex, e-mail your ex or visit unnecessarily to brag about how great your life is, to tell them about a promotion, the death of a relative, or a terrific trip you just took. Don’t try to make your ex jealous or find excuses to engage with your ex because you are lonely or curious or needy. Allow your ex to move on with his or her life, and you do the same. It will be easier for your new partner to get involved in an unencumbered relationship. Be graceful and accept it’s over and focus your energy in new relationships or existing relationships with relatives or friends

¤ If you have a new partner, and you and your ex are friendly, you may have dinner with your ex and your children. If your partner is along, too, and your ex’s partner, if he or she has one, is included. Never disparage your ex in front of your children. It is damaging to the children

¤ I recommend not inviting your ex to your wedding – There is no reason for your ex to be there and many reasons for your ex not to be there. Your attention should ALL be on your new spouse and his or her family and friends. If your ex invites you to his or her wedding, kindly decline and send a modest gift that doesn’t imply anything

¤ Remove your ex from Facebook, Test Messaging and Social Media – at least for a while. If you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures then remove him from your social media networks. It’ll just make you wonder who he/she is talking to (or obsess about those girls who keep posting messages to him), and you don’t need that. Remove your ex’s page from your favorites and look for a new friend or two to take his MySpace place. If you have established your new life and feel there is a clear boundary between the two of you which is healthy, feel free to re-establish this contact

¤ If you know that you might call or email your ex when you are drunk, then write their contact details down safely in a book and delete his/her number, email address and IM address from your mobile phone. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact your ex as the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery. Again, once you are over the relationship and have established your new life, feel free to add his number back onto your phone

¤ Limit in-person contact for a while – as there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-divorce head, I recommend not seeing your ex in person for a while. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including waking up beside him the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex or even worse, getting arrested for assault and battery

If you are torturing yourself and not moving on, you need help. TIME IS PRECIOUS and rather than prolonging the pain, do stuff.

If you want to know more about what we do, call us. We are here to serve.

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

AdeleSign

Your divorce: Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger?

I remember my first Pooh bear book when I was a kid. I loved it to death and pawed at the pages on a daily basis. I was so in love with the characters that when it came time to find ways to earn money for my school as a debutante, I even wrote and directed a play which starred almost my whole school when I was 16. Those were the days…

If you have never read A.A. Milne’s classic tales of a bear and friends – allow me to enlighten you.

Tigger

Tigger is the overly excitable, wildly bouncy tiger who is always bouncing around the enchanted forest. His attempts at spreading sheer joy to all those around him is infectious – even if he bowls everyone over like a bull in a china shop. He spread joy and gave energy to everyone. His most endearing quality (other than his cute listhp) was his knack of referring to himself in the 3rd person. Classic lines from tales of Pooh included:

  • …because “bouncin’ that’s what Tiggers do!”)
  • Woohoo hooo hooo hooo hooo!?
  • TTFF – Ta ta For Now
  • And then there was his little song:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I'm the only one

Eeyore

Eeyore on the other hand is a somber donkey.  Oh everything bad happens to this donkey as even his tail is held on by a button. Gloom and doom, and he is known for saying in the saddest tone “Thanks for noticin’ me”.  His energy is vibrating pretty low and the outlook is bleak to status quo at best.  He is the antithesis of personal empowerment. Eeyore has very little expectations from his friends and therefore wherever there is an occasion where his friends gather around his to help him, his thoughts of receiving the worst are dismissed and he has a feeling of being grateful to them. Eeyore’s biggest problem is when his tail falls off and that happens frequently (he has lost it many times).

Although always sad, he has very cute endearing qualities. So there is alot of compassion inside him. This is shown when Eeyore is able to grow a plant which Rabbit, a much respected gardener is unable to grow. Eeyore achieves this by giving the plant some of his love. His most famous quotes included:-

  • Thanks for noticing me
  • If it is a good morning
  • It’s not much of a tail
  • Most likely lose it again
  • Days, weeks, months, who knows
  • It works. Didn’t expect it to

The choice…

We all go through times in our lives when we become Eeyore. With anxiety we spend our time and energy fruitlessly by worrying about things we have no control over, things that are not real, etc… The thing to notice is that it’s kind of self-perpetuating. The more you believe nothing good will ever happen and it’s all gloom and doom – the more you will attract those things into your life. You need to switch your focus and be grateful. Grateful that there is nothing really wrong with you. Grateful for having another day on this earth. Grateful for all the people and things in your life.

Our thoughts are one of the few things truly within our control. Even if it is challenging to completely control what comes to mind, we can certainly learn to control the thoughts that stay in our minds, the thoughts we focus on, dwell on. Thoughts create world paradigms, impact our energies, and drive our actions. Even if you had a bit of Eeyore in you in the past, the past need not be the future and your tendency does not have to be your destiny. Even if a negative thing is true, does it serve you to focus on it? Even if a negative thing is true, odds are there are many positive things that also are true or could become true about a person or situation and your thoughts and energies may better serve you focused on the solution rather than the problem.

The key to becoming a Tigger

The principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy talk about Behavioural Actualisation – i.e. stop sitting around moping and get moving – take action and do stuff to pull yourself OUT of the abyss of gloom. Once you sink into the abyss of doom, it’s hard to get out.

As this youtube video from The NeverEnding Story, once you get stuck in the abyss, it could be deadly…

http://youtu.be/y688upqmRXo

The Naked Divorce is a great programme for getting over a divorce and pulling yourself out of that doom and gloom.

  • It has a structure with a defined beginning, middle and end
  • You focus on the end goal
  • You have a programme to follow and starting taking actions towards changing your behaviour today
  • You have all the support you need

So, it’s up to you. No need to be an Eeyore in the situation you find yourself in. I will paraphrase a line from Morgan Freeman’s character Red in the Shawshank Redemption “Get busy healing, or get busy dying”

Till next time!

Lots of hugs