You are 30% more likely to divorce THIS FRIDAY!

divorceHow incredibly sad? There is actually a D DAY where family law firms and lawyers see a SPIKE in people inquiring about divorce and that day is the first day back to work after new years.

More than any other day, there is a 30% spike in inquiries on this day. Here are the 10 classic mistakes to avoid as written by lawyer Marilyn Stowe on her awesome blog. Let’s take note of what a top lawyer thinks about divorce before you get yourself into muddy water.

1. Giving up at the first sign of trouble

The grass elsewhere is not always as green as it may seem. Studies show that subsequent marriages are just as likely – more likely, in fact – to founder. If you are both committed to fighting for your marriage, can it be rescued?

2. Refusing help

If your partner insists the relationship has broken down and will not budge, pretending it isn’t happening or refusing to accept the decision is not going to help. You will only make the process more painful, stressful and expensive in the long run. I have known people to continue to harbor vain hopes of reconciliation, even to the point of ignoring the pile of solicitors’ letters building up beneath the letterbox. This approach, while understandable from an emotional point of view, can take its toll on your finances and on your health. I often recommend professional counselling to clients: I have observed that when clients have been to counselors, the results are often swift and truly amazing. Don’t sit there worrying.

3. Thinking that when it comes to family law, you know it all

The truth is that unless you are a trained family lawyer, you don’t. You wouldn’t pull your own teeth out, would you? Or conduct an appendectomy on yourself? Following the disappearance of much family law legal aid, we are seeing increasing numbers of people representing themselves in court, for financial reasons.

However there have always been those who have represented themselves out of choice. Why they think they can provide their own, sound legal counsel, I do not know. The legal issues can be complex. A divorce will affect your life, and your children’s lives, for years to come.

‘Proof is always in writing. Even in amicable cases, don’t rely on something agreed verbally. Your spouse may promise one thing but, unless it is clarified in an official settlement, it won’t hold up in court’

4. Thinking that legal aid is available

In most cases, it isn’t. New legislation, which came into force in April 2013, removed certain areas of law from public funding. Family law legal aid has now been limited to very few cases which involve domestic abuse. It is still available for mediation.

5. Panicking about legal fees

Instruct a solicitor in whom you have confidence, who can give you a guide from the first appointment as to what to expect and why, and reach an agreement as to how much you will be charged and how the fees are going to be paid.

6. Throwing money away

Always be pragmatic. Be ready to negotiate and to settle. On the other hand, if the other side isn’t playing ball and is intent on racking up costs, let the court take control and move to a hearing as fast as you can.

7. Withholding information

Don’t be tempted to conceal little details or keep things to yourself. Instead, be honest and upfront with your solicitor. Keeping things hidden can be a way of trying to retain control of the situation, but by trying to pull the wool over your lawyer’s eyes you are potentially putting yourself at a disadvantage. In order to do their job properly, your solicitor needs to know the truth.

8. Hiding money. Don’t even think about it

Forensic accountants who specialize in tracking down secret bank accounts and other assets are becoming more and more commonly involved in divorce cases. At our firm, for example, we have an in-house forensic accountancy team. Even if evidence of hidden finances are found after a divorce is finalized, an existing court order can be overturned retrospectively and the guilty party may be landed with a hefty bill.

9. Thinking verbal agreements count

Proof is always in writing. Even in amicable cases, don’t rely on something agreed verbally. Your spouse may promise one thing but, unless it is clarified in an official settlement, it won’t hold up in court. Remember, matters can easily turn nasty. This isn’t just about how the wedding presents are divided. It is your future life and can affect how pensions are shared or who gets the children over the Christmas holidays.

10. Settling your finances before you are ready

Timing is essential. Settle too early before all the assets have been fully investigated, and you may settle for too little. Settle too late and circumstances may have altered irrevocably. An economic recession or upturn can have major effects upon a case. And don’t settle because of financial pressure. Your lawyer can advise you through it all.

Wishing you all the best till next time!

AdeleSign2

7 Reasons Your Bad Divorce Etiquette is Stopping Your Recovery

AngryFour days into my divorce I hadn’t eaten for three days, I’d been in my tracksuit for 36 hours straight and had chain-smoked 40 cigarettes – and I’m not even a smoker.

A huge pile of laundry lay on the couch waiting to be ironed, and used tissues were everywhere. The house was in absolute chaos, I didn’t feel like doing anything.

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The pain felt unbearable, I just wanted to feel normal again.

I’d read 27 books on breaking up in two weeks. I’d spoken to two therapists. I had spoken to a counselor. I’d listened to music. I listened to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. Nothing helped. I was going crazy!

Are You Feeling the Same Way?

The truth is, without the faintest understanding of divorce etiquette, I had no idea how to deal with myself and my emotions, my ex-husband and others around me.

I had no idea even where to begin, and my lack of knowledge was taking me on a steep downward spiral away from recovery.

Finally, my deep pain and trauma served as a catalyst to taking action. And I created my own structured system for recovery using my skills as a corporate change specialist – now of course the 21-Day Divorce Angel system.

Key to this was learning and understanding good divorce etiquette, which gave me the strength, belief and strategy to follow the recovery steps with power and decorum, and get back to a happy, normal life.

 

Seven Reasons You Need Good Divorce Etiquette

 

1. You’re unable to follow a strategy for recovery

Without adopting the right etiquette and code of conduct, you can’t separate yourself from the bitter and twisted version of yourself you could become if you allowed yourself to descend into self pity or loathing of your ex.

And even when you find and believe in a real strategy for recovery, your anger, panic or eratic emotions will short-circuit and sabotage your best efforts to walk out of this with your head held high.

2. Your judgment is poor, and you can’t see nonsense advice for what it is

Without strong, proven divorce etiquette to make you feel anchored in reality, you won’t trust your own judgment, and you’ll believe all types of contradictory advice thrown at you by well-meaning friends and authors.

Like ‘don’t cry, there are plenty more fish in the sea, time heals all wounds, you must stay active, don’t mope about, be strong for your children / mother / brother.’ All of which are unhelpful and even damaging myths.

3. You’ll check out, instead of feeling and facing your emotions

Without knowing how, facing your emotions can seem terrifying. And if you check out instead, as many do, you won’t be able to recover at all.

Correct divorce etiquette allows you to face your emotions with some certainty, strategy and decorum. Knowing there’s freedom and recovery on the other side.

4. You’ll deal with your ex in an unhealthy way

It’s so important how you deal with your ex. The right plan and code of conduct will give you a structure to minimize contact without going cold turkey, and work towards understanding, forgiveness and even one day friendship – for your true peace of mind and recovery.

Without the right etiquette many also get drawn back to having sex with their ex, which doesn’t help you in any way to get a clean break and closure.

5. Your kids, and others in your life, will suffer

You need a game plan and a great deal of personal strength to deal with your kids in a way that leaves them unharmed by the experience.

Also, dealing with your friends and family – especially with the clumsy and strange ways they speak and act around you – is so important to saving your relationships while you recover.

6. Your career will suffer

Keeping your career on track while coping with a divorce is like juggling eggs; you have to remain focused to continue performing, and falling apart is not an option.

With work, knowing the right etiquette is all-important. Without it, your life will be so much worse when you finally do recover.

7. Your next relationship will fail too

A shocking 56% of second marriages end in divorce, and 72% of third marriages fail too. But if you follow the right steps, code of conduct, and process your divorce properly, you’ll be able to move onto a fulfilling, loving, happy relationship that lasts.

It’s easy to get trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-help break up books, therapists and counselors. But when you feel the power and hope that comes with knowing the right strategy and etiquette, and having the right support, then you’ll be focused on real recovery as quickly as possible. No more messing or moping around.

Contrary to what most therapists will tell you, recovering from your divorce should take weeks, not months and years.

Take your first step to a happy, fresh new life today.

Download my free eBook, with in-depth step-by-step guidance on The Etiquette of Divorce from https://www.facebook.com/Divorce.Club/app_190322544333196

Hugs

AdeleSign2

Are You Choosing Your Life Or Just Surviving?

DepressedOne of my clients was so traumatized by something brutal which happened in her life. She dealt with it by swallowing everything down, including alcohol, drugs and just numbing herself.

 

Many would say she ‘chose’ her path of destruction

In life this word ‘choice’ always gets tossed about. Perhaps too much. How we always have a choice in everything we do. How everything we do is our choice.

I believe that on one level but I am beginning to think that true choice is something which becomes available when you’re on the higher echelons of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs;

MaslowsHiearchyofNeeds

 

You need to be able to think straight to truly ‘choose’

Otherwise we’re just reacting and stumbling along. The thing about being in survival is you go back to basics and consequently have no true ‘choice’ because you’re just existing to survive. You can’t think properly and operate robotically.

Suddenly all you feel you can focus on is getting the basic needs of physiology and safety; sleep, food, sex, homeostasis, safety of body, safety of employment.

All those old stuck emotions keep you held down, unable to rise above survival mode or think beyond it. When you don’t face those emotions and work to release them permanently you’re just stuck struggling to deal with them day by day, while also trying to operate a normal life and survive.

Everything beyond that is way out of your reach, and beyond your choice to have in your life.

Without releasing all those old stuck emotions, you can’t choose a different path consciously. You can’t just ‘switch’ off anger, deadness, and coping mechanisms to just be full of happiness or possibility.

Your unconscious mind is driving you blindly

Although you may consciously recognize that you’re on a self-destructive, unfulfilling path away from real healing, you don’t have the choice to get off it without taking the difficult step first to release all the crap that’s holding you there.

So your unconscious mind is robotically taking over and trying to get you through the day. And without any understanding of a real strategy for release and long term healing, your unconscious mind is pushing you to deal with the pain and stuck emotions the only way it knows how – with short term escape tactics.

For my client this was drugs and alcohol among other things.

How to release and escape the cycle

But my client has now been doing this incredible catharsis release process we designed and what is now there is pure sadness and compassion – for herself, others and her family.

She now has a choice!

A choice to take a different path and heal herself. To move beyond this kind of destructive survival mode and cycle, and towards happiness and possibility once more.

And she got there by taking that first bold step and facing those old stuck emotions head on, following our carefully developed release process.

Are you stuck in a similar place?

I’d love to help.

AdeleSign2

The Top 10 Reasons Parents Get Divorced

A guest blog from our friends over at www.nanny.net

parentsdivorceVery few people get married with the intention of getting divorced. The U.S. Census Bureau and research think tanks such as the Barna Group have revealed some sobering statistics and findings on the subject, though. Overall, the divorce rate is almost at 50%. The news on the divorce front is not exactly good, but better news is that where children are involved the rate of divorce is 40% lower than those couples without children. Still the statistics can’t reflect the devastation that takes place for children of divorce.

There are several factors that affect the divorce rates. For example, the rates are considerably higher for young, low income families than they are older, college educated, middle class couples. Those who marry and have children right out of high school are at greater risk of divorce than couples who finish college, have decent wage jobs and wait until their mid to late twenties or older to wed. Professionals like Dr. William Doherty of the University of Minnesota have researched the issue of divorce, and have found interesting results. Time and again, papers citing reasons for divorce show similar causes. Parents give various explanations for ending their commitment to each other, and by default, their commitment to an intact family. Dr. Doherty maintains that, in most cases, the things that are pulling families apart can be dealt with and divorce may be prevented. Here are the most popular reasons for marriages ending in divorce.

  • Communication Issues – Many couples cite communication, or the lack of it, as a big factor in separation More women indicate this as a major influence than men. Parenting practices, money, religion and other important aspects of marriage are the concerns that need to be discussed, but often get ignored to the detriment of the relationship.
  • Incompatibility – This is often rooted in the non-communication issue. People will get married and only after time has passed realize that they don’t have as much in common as they originally believed. Over time, the issues that arise out of this lack of common ground cause the marriage to fail.
  • Financial Difficulty – The struggling economy has put a strain on most relationships, however some couples have additional stressors, such as one spouse being too free with money or keeping a very tight rein on the purse strings. When partners can’t agree on how the money should be handled, problems ensue.
  • Personal Problems – Everyone has personal issues of one sort or another that need to be dealt with for the good of the individual. Serious damage to the relationship can be caused when a spouse’s personal problems begin to spill over and affect the marriage negatively.
  • Lack of Attentiveness – A new baby, illness, work and other dynamics can play into the situation in which one or both partners feel that they’re being largely ignored. Unfortunately, too many couples fail to talk about the conflict or seek help. In each case, there are things that can be done and there is help available to mitigate the problem
  • Growing Apart – When people marry young and certain stressors hit the marriage, one spouse may grow in maturity at a faster rate than the other. Some people get married not realizing that their view of marriage is more akin to playing house than accepting the role of responsible adults. When one spouse comes to that reality before another, problems can often arise.
  • Intimacy Issues – Intimacy problems can have many root causes. A spouse with unresolved issues from the past could have intimacy issues. Illness may be a factor affecting intimacy, or intimacy may be lacking simply because a spouse has a fear of intimacy.
  • Addictions – Living with a spouse who is dealing with an addiction is very difficult, and the problems only escalate when treatment is not pursued. Drugs and alcohol can have devastating effects on family life. Other addictions such as gambling, shopping and pornography are just as capable of ripping a family apart at the seams.
  • Infidelity – Break-ups due to infidelity rank among the most difficult to deal with. When one partner chooses to go outside the marriage for intimacy, the impact strikes right to the core of the relationship. Trust is broken and the damage is often irreparable, with divorce sometimes feeling like the only feasible option.
  • Selfishness – This shows up in a variety of forms. It can take the form of never including the desires of the other person in decision making, or forcing every issue to be about one party while the other is ignored. Marriage is supposed to be a coming together of two people, but when one dominates the relationship to the near exclusion of the other’s thoughts and desires, cracks begin to form in the union.

It’s important to remember that with help, including counseling or therapy, most of the issues that lead to divorce can be overcome and many couples who seek help to preserve the marriage often come through the hard times with a relationship that’s stronger and more fulfilling than ever.

If forever single and 50+ – are you a woman who emasculates men?

In a recent article for the Daily Mail, Kate Mulvey bemoans the fact that as she approaches 50, she is not yet married, putting this down to the fact that men are unable to cope with a woman ‘outshining’ them. She refers to recent research confirming this, saying ‘I have lost count of the times men have rejected and insulted me simply because I was brighter, wittier or cleverer than they are.’

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In her article, Kate talks about several occasions when her partners (for she seems to have had many), have reacted negatively when she has demonstrated her superior knowledge or intellect. She is ‘convinced that the reason I am still booking a table for one..[is] because men are so threatened by my intelligence.’

Kate outlines her academic prowess, including having breezed through university, stressing how she continues to enjoy learning, and how she is keen to flex [her] intellectual muscles, and to never let a man get the last word just because of his sex. Kate concludes that it’s necessary to become a giggly man-pleaser in order to have a successful relationship, and is unwilling to sell-out by doing so.

Fair enough Kate, but I am not sure if your assessment of why you are single is accurate…

I don’t think men are threatened by you, I think men feel emasculated around you so don’t like the way they feel about themselves when with you, so they leave you…

I agree that it’s not necessary to conform to some stereotypical view of a submissive doormat, who flutters her eyelashes and simpers, because it’s impossible to attract a man otherwise BUT I also think shoving your superior knowledge or intellect in their faces is not going to win any relationship points.

Consider what makes a fulfilling and positive relationship. What do most people, male or female, look for in a relationship? Of course, there are many answers to this, and what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make another person feel the same. However, at the heart of any strong relationship is the concept of mutual love, support and respect, and the idea of your partner wanting the best for you, and helping you to be the best that you can be. No-one feels happy in a relationship where one partner is so concerned to demonstrate their capability or strengths, that they don’t take their partner’s feelings into consideration.

The sad thing is I SEE SO MANY WOMEN LIKE KATE WHO DO THIS. They then blame the men for being threatened!! Ladies: showing a constant need to be the best, or always wanting the last word, is not a good way to communicate care and respect for your man. For a relationship to deepen and strengthen over time, it needs to be carefully nurtured and nourished, by letting him know that he is the most important person in the world to you, and that you care about how he feels. Continually undermining him, or competing with him, will exhaust him and damage and end your relationship.

Here are some sure fire signs that you emasculate men:

  • Ask him for help, then either criticise what he did, redo it or do it your way
  • Fight and shout in scream in public
  • Call him names in front of other people or mock him in public in ANY way, shape or form
  • Belittle what he does for a living
  • Mother him
  • Flirt with his friends in front of him
  • Tell him another guy could do it better
  • Straighten his tie or preen his clothes for him in public (like his mother used to do)
  • Pat him on the head in public
  • Never praise anything he does, just criticise
  • Nag and nag ang nag him shouting instructions at him to do x,y or z
  • Belittle his manhood
  • Micromanage his every move
  • Tell him you will pay for things all the time or ASSUME that he cannot pay his own way
  • Embaress him by giving him bigger presents than he gives you
  • Nothing he does is ever good enough
  • Go on and on about how clever you are
  • Laugh at him mockingly often
  • Make his salary an issue

What makes a great relationship? When both of you feel like the best person of yourselves when together. Most men I know have no problem with a highly intelligent woman – on the contrary: they look for them. BUT when a highly intelligent woman is also arrogant, haughty or emasculating to be around – most men will run a mile.

If a couple lays a foundation of mutual support, encouragement and respect, this builds confidence in the relationship. True love is demonstrated by the willingness to compromise occasionally, and a genuine concern to act with their best interests at heart. You will not want to hurt or embarrass your fella, especially in public. Choosing not to outshine your man on occasions, (even if you could), is not selling out. You simply recognise that consideration for his feelings is far more important to the health of your relationship. A man who truly feels loved and valued will not want to leave.

SO, if you are forever single, serially dating and being dumped and 50+ and have been telling yourself that you are just too smart and intelligent for all the men out there – stop. Take a look at yourself. Has your positive sense of self turned your arrogant and do you emasculate the men around you? If so, then come and do the Naked Divorce program and get to the source of why you keep pushing great guys away and sending most men running a mile. As you are the common equation in each relationship you have ever been in, it might be time to look deeper at what you can be responsible for.

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

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TANTRUM – the anger management program so you can LET RIP and GET FIT

Coming to your from the founders of the critically acclaimed Tantrum Club, find out what people think about the all new anger management FITNESS program. For the first time ever you can completely LET RIP whilst getting FIT. Not only will you release all negative emotions like anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness whilst getting an INSANE workout – you will re-balance and recenter yourself at the end of the class. Tantrum is based on months and months of research into which movements release which emotions culminating in a never-seen before series of choreography and dance moves.

The danger of suppression: Don’t bottle up your emotions

TantrumLogo

Any serious scientist will be familiar with the assertion that stress causes immune-compromise. A recent study by researchers at Harvard School of Public Health has finally put this long-held knowledge into perspective, deciphering that those who bottle up their feelings have a cardiovascular disease risk of 140 per cent and a risk of cancer of 170 per cent when compared to individuals who share how they feel. Overall, the risk of premature death for those who keep their negative feelings to themselves is around 135 per cent that of individuals unafraid to speak their minds. When framed in this way, the dangers of suppressing emotions are hard to ignore, but how exactly does bottling up your emotions lead to real and tangible damage to the body? The article below will explore the molecular and physiological mechanisms behind this startling array of statistics, and provide some helpful tips to managing your rage, and keeping your body healthy!

Although the concrete mechanism linking bottled-up emotions and premature death has yet to be established, several sound scientific principles may be applied in order to elucidate some facts about the forces at work. Firstly, it is conceivable that those who feel that they must hide their emotions from others are more susceptible to seeking comfort in substance abuse such as alcohol addiction, cigarette smoking, or the use of other harmful drugs in order to relieve their stress. The use of these substances has several obvious and detrimental effects to health and so needs no explanation here. The second suspected mechanism is slightly less direct in nature.

When the body is coping with a stress response, such as un-vented anger or pent-up rage, a hormone known as Cortisol is released. Cortisol is a hormone of critical importance to humans, but it also has some unwanted effects in individuals experiencing high levels of stress. Cortisol is a steroid hormone, specifically a glucocorticoid, meaning that it is capable of suppressing the immune system’s response to damage or invading pathogens. This unfortunate effect means that individuals who have a higher than normal stress level, and thus a raised Cortisol level, will have under-effective immune systems, not only opening the floodgates to any nasty bugs that may wish to make your body their home, but also preventing a complete response from being carried out towards invaders from within – cancer cells. Every day, the immune system destroys a cell that would otherwise have become cancerous, so it’s easy to see how quickly things can go wrong when this response is working below optimum levels.All is not lost, though. Studies have shown that releasing anger actually increases blood flow to those parts of the brain responsible for pleasure and reward, thus making taking out your frustration a ‘feel good’ experience. However, there are those of us for whom releasing anger at every turn can very quickly end both friendships and careers.

Perhaps a change in outlook is the answer? Conditioning your brain to be more optimistic about everyday situations and into overlooking the minor foibles of others can quite literally be a lifesaver. The statistics speak for themselves, and lend credence to the thought that optimistic people really do live longer than their pessimistic, stressed out counterparts.

Speaking of which, we are about to launch www.tantrumworld.com – a whole new approach to releasing your anger whilst becoming healthier. So, why not try to LET RIP whilst GETTING FIT?

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

AdeleSign

Instant Gratification vs. a Long term Strategy… what’s best? PART I

Instant rewards and instant healing has a much nicer ring to it, then the words combined; LONG – TERM. However if waiting that particular extended time will further HELP in the long run it stirs the question if waiting is more worthwhile. But how do you determine what works best for you?

When associating this with Divorce, 99% of People want to get out of their pain as soon as they possibly can and get on with their life. They want any existing void or despair that has crept into their heart to be removed. But removing pain and despair is not connected to AVOIDING it. It is so important to guard yourself against hiding behind different issues, for example, your work, your children or other people’s problem’s as an excuse for not facing your own. This will result in not healing from your divorce. Diversion and keeping yourself busy with other things will not help you in any way it will only further multiply the time it will take to heal.

Deflecting never brings satisfaction. Your issues may have been avoided for a time but all the while they will bubble under the surface until eventually they boil over the top and burn more than it ever should have if you had first confronted the issues.

Therapy and traditional healing practices have based their disciplines on the premise that you need time to heal.

“Long term strategy” The concept of needing time to heal is consequently so ingrained in our society that challenging this notion is usually met with an extraordinary amount of resistance and in some cases even anger or dismissal. The thought of healing quickly feels fake, shallow or unbelievable and could be misconstrued as a trivialization of the healing process.

This is an understandable reaction, especially from people who have experienced such dramatic heartache and taken an extraordinary time to heal in those circumstances, but it raises my question or perhaps my opinion that it doesn’t NEED to take a LONG time to emotionally heal, not if the problem is faced correctly and strategically.  As I have said before I do not believe TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS… Time simply passes by, it’s what we do with our lives while the time is passing that either helps us, heals us or locks us in our past.

What happens with a lot of people when they take time to heal is they become complacent, resigned and in reality… lazy. Over time the urgency to take action dissipates. And people can become desensitized to their situation and tend to “settle” for certain ways or habits, and tolerate more than they should or ever would have if they had first taken action pro actively.  Because if you live with something for so long, you can become “used to it” and no longer feel the urgency to take any action because you know you can withstand it as you’ve proved so far, so why change it now, why bother?

This kind of desensitized attitude is the danger in a long term strategy, it is not an accurate way in overcoming and dealing with that heartache you long to defeat.

However A long term strategy if correctly dealt with, does not need to be a negative thing. If you are making movement towards healing and dealing with your emotions but simply taking an extended time to do so, each to his own, and more power to you for knowing what works for you.

You just need to make sure that if you like taking your time to heal that it is not just an excuse for lingering in your self-pity. It is necessary to grieve and allow yourself to heal by all means! In fact it is vital that you do, but it is essential you ensure that it is just a selected time and not elongated, therefore distracting you from your need to move on.

Stay tuned for PART II…

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Your divorce: Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger?

I remember my first Pooh bear book when I was a kid. I loved it to death and pawed at the pages on a daily basis. I was so in love with the characters that when it came time to find ways to earn money for my school as a debutante, I even wrote and directed a play which starred almost my whole school when I was 16. Those were the days…

If you have never read A.A. Milne’s classic tales of a bear and friends – allow me to enlighten you.

Tigger

Tigger is the overly excitable, wildly bouncy tiger who is always bouncing around the enchanted forest. His attempts at spreading sheer joy to all those around him is infectious – even if he bowls everyone over like a bull in a china shop. He spread joy and gave energy to everyone. His most endearing quality (other than his cute listhp) was his knack of referring to himself in the 3rd person. Classic lines from tales of Pooh included:

  • …because “bouncin’ that’s what Tiggers do!”)
  • Woohoo hooo hooo hooo hooo!?
  • TTFF – Ta ta For Now
  • And then there was his little song:
The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I'm the only one

Eeyore

Eeyore on the other hand is a somber donkey.  Oh everything bad happens to this donkey as even his tail is held on by a button. Gloom and doom, and he is known for saying in the saddest tone “Thanks for noticin’ me”.  His energy is vibrating pretty low and the outlook is bleak to status quo at best.  He is the antithesis of personal empowerment. Eeyore has very little expectations from his friends and therefore wherever there is an occasion where his friends gather around his to help him, his thoughts of receiving the worst are dismissed and he has a feeling of being grateful to them. Eeyore’s biggest problem is when his tail falls off and that happens frequently (he has lost it many times).

Although always sad, he has very cute endearing qualities. So there is alot of compassion inside him. This is shown when Eeyore is able to grow a plant which Rabbit, a much respected gardener is unable to grow. Eeyore achieves this by giving the plant some of his love. His most famous quotes included:-

  • Thanks for noticing me
  • If it is a good morning
  • It’s not much of a tail
  • Most likely lose it again
  • Days, weeks, months, who knows
  • It works. Didn’t expect it to

The choice…

We all go through times in our lives when we become Eeyore. With anxiety we spend our time and energy fruitlessly by worrying about things we have no control over, things that are not real, etc… The thing to notice is that it’s kind of self-perpetuating. The more you believe nothing good will ever happen and it’s all gloom and doom – the more you will attract those things into your life. You need to switch your focus and be grateful. Grateful that there is nothing really wrong with you. Grateful for having another day on this earth. Grateful for all the people and things in your life.

Our thoughts are one of the few things truly within our control. Even if it is challenging to completely control what comes to mind, we can certainly learn to control the thoughts that stay in our minds, the thoughts we focus on, dwell on. Thoughts create world paradigms, impact our energies, and drive our actions. Even if you had a bit of Eeyore in you in the past, the past need not be the future and your tendency does not have to be your destiny. Even if a negative thing is true, does it serve you to focus on it? Even if a negative thing is true, odds are there are many positive things that also are true or could become true about a person or situation and your thoughts and energies may better serve you focused on the solution rather than the problem.

The key to becoming a Tigger

The principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy talk about Behavioural Actualisation – i.e. stop sitting around moping and get moving – take action and do stuff to pull yourself OUT of the abyss of gloom. Once you sink into the abyss of doom, it’s hard to get out.

As this youtube video from The NeverEnding Story, once you get stuck in the abyss, it could be deadly…

http://youtu.be/y688upqmRXo

The Naked Divorce is a great programme for getting over a divorce and pulling yourself out of that doom and gloom.

  • It has a structure with a defined beginning, middle and end
  • You focus on the end goal
  • You have a programme to follow and starting taking actions towards changing your behaviour today
  • You have all the support you need

So, it’s up to you. No need to be an Eeyore in the situation you find yourself in. I will paraphrase a line from Morgan Freeman’s character Red in the Shawshank Redemption “Get busy healing, or get busy dying”

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Warning Signs that you are losing control during your divorce…

There are some important considerations to keep in mind when dealing with a life-altering change that is divorce. One of the big confidence boosts after divorce is an invincible feeling that you have survived change. However, it’s very important to watch what you are changing and at what pace you are making those changes.

Case Study: of one of my clients:

Mary was often accused by her ex-husband as being boring. He was a very sporty guy and she was frankly a bit of a couch potato. Their divorce was acrimonious and Mary was left feeling that no one would ever want her. Rather than turning to a positive Naked Divorce and getting over her divorce and changing in a measured way, Mary decided to become GI Jane and took on a military fitness course – a highly physical training even though she hadn’t seen the inside of a gym in years. Needless to say she fractured her wrist in the first week.

After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’

The moral of the story is that Mary was trying to fix and change being boring in a very ‘crazy’ type of way.

There is no issue with changing your life, but I strongly recommend adding a caveat to all changes by asking ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical?’

Tips for how to recognize when you are going over the top…

  • You cannot believe what you are wearing, doing, eating or withholding from yourself
  • You’ve become obsessed with your inner thoughts about your ex hearing of the ‘new you’
  • You created the ‘new you’ to get your ex’s attention
  • More than one friend or family member questions your ‘new look’
  • You notice eyebrows rise as you walk in with your new look
  • Your food bill has markedly increased or decreased
  • You sense people are talking about you – perhaps at work and perhaps too much
  • Other aspects of your life are taking second place to the new aspect of you

Exercise

Are there any drastic changes you are considering making? Notice what is driving you to make these drastic changes and After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’

WATCH THESE – if concerned, contact your doctor or a good friend today.

Sending you a big hug!