How Compassion Helps You Fight Back Against the Hurtful Voices in Your Head

In the third part of this series on learning to love yourself after a violent relationship, I look at how to use compassion to actually change the way your mind works.

As I talked about here and here, abuse disrupts our ability to seek out and provide the warmth and nurture that all mammals need to function. Our response mechanisms short-circuit and we have to relearn how to treat ourselves with gentleness and care.

Plus, when you’ve experienced a trauma like domestic violence, your fight-or-flight reactors go into overdrive as you try to combat the very real external threat.

But the upshot of our traumatic experience is that we’re also under attack from internal threats: pain, despair, loss, heartbreak – intense emotions that hurt and frighten us.

From a psychological perspective, we react the same way to external threats as to internal ones. So, when these feelings rise up, we counter-attack. We self-attack.

We treat the emotions with ridicule, aggression, frustration or disappointment. We try to fight them away.

But these emotions aren’t an external threat that you can simply force into retreat. They are part of you, and fighting with them will hurt you.

When our legitimate distress is met with cruelty and rejection, it makes us feel ashamed. We tell ourselves that we’re weak, stupid, not good enough… that we brought this on ourselves.

One way to tackle this is to imagine the self-attacking voice – the voice that shames you for the way you feel – as a separate person. Try to visualise them. What do they look like? What emotions are they directing at you? What do they want from you?

Then: Do they have your best interests at heart? What would happen if they left you alone? Who gains from them treating you like this?

Why are you scared of standing up to them?

You may find that the person you hear attacking you isn’t your own voice at all. You may find that it sounds suspiciously like the partner that made your life miserable. Or a parent, authority figure or bully that made you feel small. Maybe even someone that made you feel like you weren’t strong enough to stand up to the abuse.

And, if that’s the case, ask yourself: what right, what legitimacy, does that person have to attack you like this? Why do you feel you have to submit to their opinion?

What makes you think that their criticisms are at all valid?

Working out where this voice comes from won’t make it shut up. But that doesn’t mean you have to listen.

Instead, work on developing some empathy for your negative emotions. Remember the compassionate image that you developed? How would they respond to someone feeling your pain?

This is not easy. You’re working against the fight-or-flight instincts that tell you how to handle a threat. You’re talking over the voice that has dominated your emotional defenses for far too long. It will not let you take over without a struggle.

But you have to challenge the authority of that voice. You can’t just accept it – and you certainly can’t just accept it as part of who you are.

Be patient. You may need to try out different ways of handling your negative emotions and showing kindness to yourself before you find a way that works for you. These feelings might take a long time to quiet down.

What’s more, in order to really heal, you have to go beyond self-soothing – you also need to gather positive momentum for the future, setting goals and giving your vulnerable self the motivation and encouragement it needs to succeed.

The important thing is that, however you do it, you’re approaching yourself with compassion. You’re not judging, shaming or attacking the negative emotions. You’re not giving credence to the voice that attacks you.

If you’re struggling to recover from an abusive relationship, I hope that this series has helped you develop the tools you need to be kinder to yourself. If you feel you need more support, please do get in touch. I’ve helped hundreds of people to get through their divorce trauma – if you’d like to hear more, you can book a clarity call here.

Does Time Heal? They Say 18 Months – I Say 21 Days!

e08c65b4068a173f39c0f51ca1db5dd1A survey covered in this Daily Mail article interviewed 155 people and found that breakups take 11 weeks to get over on average. The article also says it takes 18 months to get over a divorce.

Actually, I’d say with no good strategy, even breakups take 18 months to heal from. It may take just 11 weeks to get over the split, but not to fully heal and get back to your joyous, strong, positive, life-loving self again. Because:

Healing requires active engagement with the topic!

Which is why it really takes 18 months to heal without any system or engagement or strategy, or without the right support.

And during that 18 month period, without the proper healing, you’re very likely to move into more unsuccessful relationships, which will end in breakup or divorce too. 56% of second marriages also end in divorce, and 72% of third marriages – the statistics don’t lie!

Time alone does not heal wounds

Many types of relationship therapy may tell you that it just takes time to heal and there’s nothing more to do about it, but it’s just not true! It makes me sad that so many people believe this nonsense and live unnecessarily with their pain or depression for months and even years.

I’ve seen time and time again that healing happens in short spurts during that time.

Healing is not a linear chronological process – it happens when you focus on healing. And with good strategy, process, attention and support you can make those short spurts of healing happen quickly, over the course of a few weeks. Not months or years.

Here’s another statistic for you – 97% of divorcees who take my Naked Divorce program are successfulin getting over AND healing from all their trauma in 21 days.

Back on track, happy and loving life once more. Check out their personal stories here.

It’s a pity the study above didn’t ask the recipients exactly when and how they felt little bursts of improvement and how they worked to those points and through them.

When you actively embrace the healing process, and face the sometimes very difficult feelings and stages to work through, in an intelligent way, you create an environment where these flashes of improvement and healing begin to happen.

Unfortunately, there is evidence that traditional forms of therapy don’t help the recovery process at all. In fact, there are clear conflicts of interest that certainly don’t incentivize therapists to get their clients cured, healed and happy as rapidly as possible.

Clients become dependent on therapists, and therapists gain secure, long-term clients and income

Imagine if a relationship therapist had to find new clients every month because they were helping them heal so quickly. Business would become extremely tough. Far better to have a guaranteed monthly or weekly client paying for a year or more – make sure you don’t become one of these clients!

With my program, I’ve deliberately incentivized myself and my team of Divorce Angels to help people truly, properly, deeply heal faster and more effectively. Our reputation depends on it.

I want that 97% success rate in 21 days to go up to 99%, not down to 95%.

Come and try the system, we’d be delighted to prove it to you!

Or if you have any questions at all about getting over your divorce, do ask.

I’m here to help.

AdeleSign2

7 Reasons Your Bad Divorce Etiquette is Stopping Your Recovery

AngryFour days into my divorce I hadn’t eaten for three days, I’d been in my tracksuit for 36 hours straight and had chain-smoked 40 cigarettes – and I’m not even a smoker.

A huge pile of laundry lay on the couch waiting to be ironed, and used tissues were everywhere. The house was in absolute chaos, I didn’t feel like doing anything.

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The pain felt unbearable, I just wanted to feel normal again.

I’d read 27 books on breaking up in two weeks. I’d spoken to two therapists. I had spoken to a counselor. I’d listened to music. I listened to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. Nothing helped. I was going crazy!

Are You Feeling the Same Way?

The truth is, without the faintest understanding of divorce etiquette, I had no idea how to deal with myself and my emotions, my ex-husband and others around me.

I had no idea even where to begin, and my lack of knowledge was taking me on a steep downward spiral away from recovery.

Finally, my deep pain and trauma served as a catalyst to taking action. And I created my own structured system for recovery using my skills as a corporate change specialist – now of course the 21-Day Divorce Angel system.

Key to this was learning and understanding good divorce etiquette, which gave me the strength, belief and strategy to follow the recovery steps with power and decorum, and get back to a happy, normal life.

 

Seven Reasons You Need Good Divorce Etiquette

 

1. You’re unable to follow a strategy for recovery

Without adopting the right etiquette and code of conduct, you can’t separate yourself from the bitter and twisted version of yourself you could become if you allowed yourself to descend into self pity or loathing of your ex.

And even when you find and believe in a real strategy for recovery, your anger, panic or eratic emotions will short-circuit and sabotage your best efforts to walk out of this with your head held high.

2. Your judgment is poor, and you can’t see nonsense advice for what it is

Without strong, proven divorce etiquette to make you feel anchored in reality, you won’t trust your own judgment, and you’ll believe all types of contradictory advice thrown at you by well-meaning friends and authors.

Like ‘don’t cry, there are plenty more fish in the sea, time heals all wounds, you must stay active, don’t mope about, be strong for your children / mother / brother.’ All of which are unhelpful and even damaging myths.

3. You’ll check out, instead of feeling and facing your emotions

Without knowing how, facing your emotions can seem terrifying. And if you check out instead, as many do, you won’t be able to recover at all.

Correct divorce etiquette allows you to face your emotions with some certainty, strategy and decorum. Knowing there’s freedom and recovery on the other side.

4. You’ll deal with your ex in an unhealthy way

It’s so important how you deal with your ex. The right plan and code of conduct will give you a structure to minimize contact without going cold turkey, and work towards understanding, forgiveness and even one day friendship – for your true peace of mind and recovery.

Without the right etiquette many also get drawn back to having sex with their ex, which doesn’t help you in any way to get a clean break and closure.

5. Your kids, and others in your life, will suffer

You need a game plan and a great deal of personal strength to deal with your kids in a way that leaves them unharmed by the experience.

Also, dealing with your friends and family – especially with the clumsy and strange ways they speak and act around you – is so important to saving your relationships while you recover.

6. Your career will suffer

Keeping your career on track while coping with a divorce is like juggling eggs; you have to remain focused to continue performing, and falling apart is not an option.

With work, knowing the right etiquette is all-important. Without it, your life will be so much worse when you finally do recover.

7. Your next relationship will fail too

A shocking 56% of second marriages end in divorce, and 72% of third marriages fail too. But if you follow the right steps, code of conduct, and process your divorce properly, you’ll be able to move onto a fulfilling, loving, happy relationship that lasts.

It’s easy to get trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-help break up books, therapists and counselors. But when you feel the power and hope that comes with knowing the right strategy and etiquette, and having the right support, then you’ll be focused on real recovery as quickly as possible. No more messing or moping around.

Contrary to what most therapists will tell you, recovering from your divorce should take weeks, not months and years.

Take your first step to a happy, fresh new life today.

Download my free eBook, with in-depth step-by-step guidance on The Etiquette of Divorce from https://www.facebook.com/Divorce.Club/app_190322544333196

Hugs

AdeleSign2

Today is our birthday!

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Today Nakeddivorce EmotionalFreedom is 3 years old!
The idea was born in February 2011 and by the 11th December 2011 I had my first sale. I never thought that when I developed the program that it would ever be used by anyone other than me. Since then we have a team which is slowly growing and over 740 people which have completed the 21-day program either with our homestudy kits, Divorce Angels or books. The next phase is about launching our online platform in 2015 which we are working very hard on right now. Everything happens so much slower than I wanted but we have had pre-sales on the program already and we feel very optimistic about it. Then it is onto building the other trauma recovery programs within the Naked Recovery platform which we have also been working on as well as training up the new Angels.
If anyone had ever told me how long this would take or how much work it would be, I would probably have run away but every day I feel very privileged that we get to walk with people through one of the darkest times of their lives back into possibility and lightness. I feel immensely thankful to everyone who trusted us to do the program with us. Especially the people right at the very beginning who helped us make it into what it is today.
Thank you for being who you are.
xxx
Adele

The links between healing and health

 

healthy-foodWeight issues caused by the weight of Heartache, a touchy subject and quite often one that is swept under the rug, WEIGHT GAIN, and WEIGHT LOSS, Both complete opposite issues but both birthed from a similar place, which is often emotional issues, Insecurity, Pressure, heartache, and in numerous cases, break up and Divorce,

An outreach to find release or a numb-ness can result to binge eating, or eating disorders, or dramatic weight loss simply from intense stress, all at subject to crumbling under pressure. So commonly men and woman feel they are the only ones who feel the way they feel, they don’t know how to handle their emotions and therefore turn to these outlets of food or; the opposite withdrawing themselves from food. But the sad truth is, thousands of people experience these emotions, but this is NOT what Health looks like.

Even television stars have the same psychological battle with food following a breakup or marriage split. Eva Longoria has admitted she suffered dramatic weight loss due to her traumatic split from her cheating ex-husband Tony Parker.

The Desperate Housewives said she could not understand why people said she was looking better than ever when she said it was the most unhealthy she had ever been.  She told Health magazine: ‘People think health only has to do with your physical being, but for me, it’s so much more.

healthy-foodToo often there is a misunderstanding and misconception of what ‘Health’ looks like. Health is also a feeling and a pattern that should be understood correctly. It is not just about image but also about the emotions beneath.

Emotional eating is a difficult pattern to break. People turn to food for comfort and get stuck in the short fixes rather than dealing with issues salivating underneath. Unless you deal with the trauma and find a way to start healing from the issues, you’ll keep returning to food to quick fixes. It’s not the answer although it does provides a level of comfort.

Even Trying to lose weight without dealing with the underlying issues may work for a while, but you will regain the weight and struggle until you have dealt with where it has surfaces from in the first place.

Certain research has shown that as people get older and gain or lose weight after a marriage or divorce, People are more likely to become settled in certain eating and exercise habits as they age because as you get older, having a sudden change in your life like a marriage or a divorce is a bigger shock than it would have been when you were younger, Therefore making it harder to accept and have optimistic views for the future.

But habits CAN be broken, new patterns can be created. And it all starts from underneath and dealing with the emotion is which this is all steams. By Listening to the stereotypes of society and listening to your insecurities from traumatic situations are never going to get you very far. But if you seek the right way to heal and understand your emotions and see the importance of your health you will see what health really looks like and you WILL break and remove the weight of your heartache on your shoulders and any weight issues adding to the pressure. It IS POSSIBLE to find ways to your confidence in this time. Understanding your heart and why you feel the way you do can bring such a release that is much deeper than your comfort food.

Till next time

Lots of hugs

THE TANTRUM CLUB – how throwing a tantrum is just exactly what a woman needs

Adele Theron will be holding a free talk entitled ‘THE TANTRUM CLUB – how throwing a tantrum is just exactly what a woman needs’ on the Activia Expert Stage on Sunday 30th September at 12pm.

THE TANTRUM CLUB – how throwing a tantrum is just exactly what a woman needs

“I will transform the speaking area into an interactive environment (with bean bags/ bats etc) for people to totally go crazy and throw a tantrum

· Emotional Intelligence and why it’s killing us women in today’s society· Find out why throwing a tantrum is healthy and healing

· Expression of emotion is the key to vitality

· Put on some goggles, take hold of a baseball bat and allow yourself to let rip and throw a tantrum with a big group of ladies

· Toss out suppression and bring in expression”

For more information visit www.nakeddivorce.com

TICKETS:
You can can purchase your ticket for £6, saving 25% * Quote TANTRUM when booking atwww.VitalityLive.co.uk
*Saving based on door price. Booking and transaction fees apply.

Location:  Vitality Boutique, Bluewater, Greenhithe, Kent, DA9 9SG, United Kingdom