If forever single and 50+ – are you a woman who emasculates men?

In a recent article for the Daily Mail, Kate Mulvey bemoans the fact that as she approaches 50, she is not yet married, putting this down to the fact that men are unable to cope with a woman ‘outshining’ them. She refers to recent research confirming this, saying ‘I have lost count of the times men have rejected and insulted me simply because I was brighter, wittier or cleverer than they are.’

Image

In her article, Kate talks about several occasions when her partners (for she seems to have had many), have reacted negatively when she has demonstrated her superior knowledge or intellect. She is ‘convinced that the reason I am still booking a table for one..[is] because men are so threatened by my intelligence.’

Kate outlines her academic prowess, including having breezed through university, stressing how she continues to enjoy learning, and how she is keen to flex [her] intellectual muscles, and to never let a man get the last word just because of his sex. Kate concludes that it’s necessary to become a giggly man-pleaser in order to have a successful relationship, and is unwilling to sell-out by doing so.

Fair enough Kate, but I am not sure if your assessment of why you are single is accurate…

I don’t think men are threatened by you, I think men feel emasculated around you so don’t like the way they feel about themselves when with you, so they leave you…

I agree that it’s not necessary to conform to some stereotypical view of a submissive doormat, who flutters her eyelashes and simpers, because it’s impossible to attract a man otherwise BUT I also think shoving your superior knowledge or intellect in their faces is not going to win any relationship points.

Consider what makes a fulfilling and positive relationship. What do most people, male or female, look for in a relationship? Of course, there are many answers to this, and what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make another person feel the same. However, at the heart of any strong relationship is the concept of mutual love, support and respect, and the idea of your partner wanting the best for you, and helping you to be the best that you can be. No-one feels happy in a relationship where one partner is so concerned to demonstrate their capability or strengths, that they don’t take their partner’s feelings into consideration.

The sad thing is I SEE SO MANY WOMEN LIKE KATE WHO DO THIS. They then blame the men for being threatened!! Ladies: showing a constant need to be the best, or always wanting the last word, is not a good way to communicate care and respect for your man. For a relationship to deepen and strengthen over time, it needs to be carefully nurtured and nourished, by letting him know that he is the most important person in the world to you, and that you care about how he feels. Continually undermining him, or competing with him, will exhaust him and damage and end your relationship.

Here are some sure fire signs that you emasculate men:

  • Ask him for help, then either criticise what he did, redo it or do it your way
  • Fight and shout in scream in public
  • Call him names in front of other people or mock him in public in ANY way, shape or form
  • Belittle what he does for a living
  • Mother him
  • Flirt with his friends in front of him
  • Tell him another guy could do it better
  • Straighten his tie or preen his clothes for him in public (like his mother used to do)
  • Pat him on the head in public
  • Never praise anything he does, just criticise
  • Nag and nag ang nag him shouting instructions at him to do x,y or z
  • Belittle his manhood
  • Micromanage his every move
  • Tell him you will pay for things all the time or ASSUME that he cannot pay his own way
  • Embaress him by giving him bigger presents than he gives you
  • Nothing he does is ever good enough
  • Go on and on about how clever you are
  • Laugh at him mockingly often
  • Make his salary an issue

What makes a great relationship? When both of you feel like the best person of yourselves when together. Most men I know have no problem with a highly intelligent woman – on the contrary: they look for them. BUT when a highly intelligent woman is also arrogant, haughty or emasculating to be around – most men will run a mile.

If a couple lays a foundation of mutual support, encouragement and respect, this builds confidence in the relationship. True love is demonstrated by the willingness to compromise occasionally, and a genuine concern to act with their best interests at heart. You will not want to hurt or embarrass your fella, especially in public. Choosing not to outshine your man on occasions, (even if you could), is not selling out. You simply recognise that consideration for his feelings is far more important to the health of your relationship. A man who truly feels loved and valued will not want to leave.

SO, if you are forever single, serially dating and being dumped and 50+ and have been telling yourself that you are just too smart and intelligent for all the men out there – stop. Take a look at yourself. Has your positive sense of self turned your arrogant and do you emasculate the men around you? If so, then come and do the Naked Divorce program and get to the source of why you keep pushing great guys away and sending most men running a mile. As you are the common equation in each relationship you have ever been in, it might be time to look deeper at what you can be responsible for.

Till next time

Lots of hugs,

Image

Advertisements

Are you single or living alone? You are not alone on that one!

 

Claudia Connell on Mail Online gives a painfully honest account of how she came to be living alone in middle-age: Now in her 40′s, Claudia talks of how her single life, which was once embraced and celebrated for its exciting perks, has lost its gloss.

Claudia states: “I was part of the Sex And the City generation — successful, feisty women who made their own money, answered to no one and lived life to the full. When it came to men, my attitude to them was the same as it was towards the latest must-have handbag: only the best would do, no compromises should be made, and even then it would be quickly tired of and cast aside. However at the age of 46, I’ve unwillingly accepted that my opportunity to have a family has gone and the chances of meeting a decent man aren’t looking too rosy either.  What none of us spent too long thinking about in our 20′s and 30s was how our lifestyles would impact on us once we reached middle-age, when we didn’t want to go out and get sozzled on cocktails and had replaced our stilettos and skinny jeans with flat shoes and elasticated waists.

Freedom is great when you can exploit it; but when you have so much that you don’t know what to do with it, then it all becomes a little pointless.” Claudia wrote in Mail online.

Today in the UK, there are record numbers of middle-aged single people. There are many other woman and men just like Claudia that can relate to the emotions and realties of this lifestyle. Not so many will be as bold as to admit but Figures speak loud in this circumstance.

Statistics released by the Office of National Statistics showed that 7.6 million people are currently living alone in the UK. And the fastest growing group in this is a 2.5 million percentage that fall between the ages of 45 and 64 who live alone with no spouse, partner or children. The figure represents a mind blowing 50 per cent increase since the mid-Nineties. Perhaps materially well off in this generation but seemingly emotionally bereft.

It’s a somewhat upsetting report but a correct one none the less and while some woman and men are quite comfortable with their circumstance of living alone, the truth is most will admit that they had wished they had someone to share it with, a partner, child or other family.

This article is in no way intended to be a spiral of depression and reminder of your singleness – if you are. However sometimes a reminder of these situations can be a healthy way into knowing what you want and chasing after that, not missing the importance of opportunities when they come to your door. Whether that is a new relationship – Or a chance of amending one with a family member or the opportunity to take action in your situation of feeling broken and to fight for healing from your past. So you can become a full representation of yourself again, not regretting your life away and wishing you had realised things sooner.

The wonderful thing that we should never take for granted is that we do live in world and country of endless opportunities, and if we know what we want and take action in getting it, we can fight for our aspirations and dreams to live the way in which we desire. Unfortunately life does throw its whirlwinds and it can knock us clean off our feet from a place in which we were quite comfortable, but if we stay there in that brokenness or state of unawareness or denial of what was really going on, we will end up looking back wishing and regretting, and on search for who can invent us that time machine!

Life is always going to be a whirlwind you just have to learn how to pick yourself up once you’ve been knocked down. Like everyone, we all think and worry about the future and wonder where we will be in 10-20 years of our life. Some of us seriously wonder how we can possible get to a place we see desirable by then.

But the truth is there are ways and people to help you get there, opportunities that do come around, they might come in disguise but they come, so look for them and take a hold of them!

If you feel yourself feeling morose or depressed at the prospect of being single or you are clear you have not healed from your divorce or bad break up – stop suffering in silence and talk to us. We have a whole team of angels who are ready to chat to you. Email us on ANGEL SUPPORT or call us on:

  • UK: +44 (0)208 638 0841
  • USA: +1 646 736 7448
  • RSA: +27 (0)11 083 8901
  • AUS: +61 (0)2 8006 10558

Till next time!

Lots of hugs