Some Principles of Keeping Love Alive…

I am sometimes really frustrated that the education system today does not prepare us for what it TRULY takes to make a romantic relationship work in the long-term. I wish that I had known some of these principles before I got married. Unfortunately I had to make all the mistakes before I learnt all of these lessons for the future. I had to develop some compassion for myself because I really didn’t have the insights I have today back when I actually needed them. I am therefore committed to keep mastering the principles of keeping love alive, not only to ensure that my clients benefit from all this wisdom but that I ensure my own future happiness in my relationship.

In your next relationship, keep some principles in mind to assist you in keeping love alive. These are tips I have put together after reading 27 books on the topic, interviewing experts and from my own personal experience in working with couples.

Keeping love alive principle #1: Let him win at loving you

This is a lesson I learnt the hard way. I had to own up to the fact that I never let my ex-husband win at loving me. I spent most of the time playing hard to get, difficult, dramatic or testing him. Your man needs to feel that by simply being around you, he can make you happy and that you’re at peace and fully satisfied in his company. This is why an overly-critical woman can make her man feel he’s failed at loving her. He’ll withdraw his affection and love in return. He may even say things like, “I can’t win”. Ask yourself, “Have I let him feel he can always win at loving me?” This is a crucial lesson for keeping love alive. When you come home and you’re feeling grumpy, ensure your man knows he is amazing and that he makes you very happy and that your moods have nothing to do with him.

Keeping love alive principle #2: Maintain the polarity of your relationship

The feminine essence is: Loving, caring, spontaneous, crazy, unpredictable, free, fun, mental, dramatic, turbulent, shrieking at the sight of a mouse/spider/creature with more legs than yourself, outspoken, honest, vulnerable, raw, carefree, real, weepy, emotional, a hurricane, self-expressed, creative, chatty, babbling and making no sense, cooking, loud, noisy, peaceful, sexy, goddess-like, mysterious, a dancing nymph,
wanting to be comforted, nurtured, supported and loved. The feminine essence is not: controlling, overly organized, bossy, nagging, changing light bulbs (even if she is perfectly capable of doing so), killing snakes, doing manly chores that require power tools, silent, talking about her emotions instead of
feeling them, too intellectual, so damn independent that a man will sense she doesn’t need him (sadly, he will be right). Focus on remembering these points whenever you feel your man slipping away from you. Step back into your feminine essence and he will come straight back to you.

Keeping love alive principle #3: Maintain separateness and move to your own rhythm

It was Sherry Argov who distinguished that ‘men equate longing with love.’ If you do everything together, there will be no opportunity for your man to experience any longing for you. So, don’t jump through hoops for him. Don’t suffocate him by always wanting to be where he is or checking up on him. If he texts you, don’t respond immediately if you are busy with something else. Wait a little while until you have completed what you were doing before texting him back. If you get home and see there is a message from him, wait until you’ve settled in, made a cup of tea, had a bath or dinner, or anything else you want to do before checking the message.

NOTE: To keep sexual chemistry alive in your relationship, remain feminine in your relationship and true to your feminine essence. Allow your
man to be the man in your life.

Keep your own interests and activities alive. Every few nights, ensure you have a gym class, dinner, a movie or a book club with a girlfriend or something that ensures he doesn’t always have your movements pinned down. You’ll see when you get home afterwards that he’s missed you…

Keeping love alive principle #4: When he disappears on you, focus on making yourself happy

Men disappear from time to time and as author John Gray stated in ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ They do go into their caves from time to time. It’s a basic need and one that too many women don’t understand. When he disappears, he’s usually still physically present, but emotionally distant and distracted. At these times, dig deep, practice the Worry Buster exercise on Day 17 of the naked divorce programme and reassure yourself that this is a test. He is testing your reactions. Our natural instinct is to want to know why. We’ll want to know if there’s something wrong. No! No! No! This will drive him further into the cave. You have to focus on making yourself happy. Organize a dinner with your girlfriends. Play tennis. Go to the gym. Have a luxurious bath and pamper session. Whistle while you’re cooking dinner. Leave him be. Don’t question or enquire. Smile at him and give his hand a squeeze,
then walk away and go and be happy. This will surprise him because men are used to women acting very clingy whenever they retreat into their caves. He will be concerned that your life does not revolve around him and that you seem happy without him doing anything. The hunter within him will return from his cave very fast to reclaim his woman, you’ll see!

There are many more of these principles in the naked divorce book. Purchase it today to learn more!

Hope you enjoyed that, till next time!

Big hugs

What are some of the common feelings when experiencing a shock divorce?

My name is Adèle and I am a Divorce Angel. I remember the first four days after my husband left. They were brutal. At 02:30 am I was on my third glass of wine and hadn’t eaten in three days. I had been in my pyjamas for 36 hours straight and had chain-smoked 40 cigarettes (and I’m not even a smoker!). There was a pile of laundry on the couch waiting to be ironed and used tissues everywhere. The house was in absolute chaos and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I wasn’t answering my phone or talking to my family or anyone else.

I had a vision of being found dead of a broken heart at the age of 85, still wearing my pyjamas, with no love or man in my life. The only time I left the house, I was so distracted, I almost drove into a wall. I thought that if I could convert my emotional pain into physical pain, I could take a pill for it. How bizarre my thoughts were! The reality is that I was in despair. I felt completely out of control. For someone who is usually organised and structured, this was a very new feeling. Nothing helped and I remember thinking, “Why the hell is this happening to me?” I had read 27 books on breaking up in two weeks. I had spoken to two therapists. I had spoken to a counsellor. I listened to music. I listened to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. Nothing helped.

I was going crazy. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The pain felt unbearable, I just wanted to feel normal again. If this sounds familiar to you or you can relate in any way, welcome to the club. You are completely normal and you will be okay.

Here are some completely normal responses to divorce:

• Numbness – numbness can be physical, emotional, or both. The numbness

• lasts for different periods of time for different people.

• Disrupted sleep patterns – not being able to sleep or sleeping too much is • completely normal.

• Changing eating habits – it’s normal to have almost no appetite or a need to • eat nonstop, or both, alternately.

• Rollercoaster of emotional energy – extreme ups and downs. As a direct result • of these emotional highs and lows, you may feel emotionally and physically • drained.

• Depression – feeling low and depressed is normal.

• Despair, desolation and desperation.

• Reduced concentration.

• Feeling hopeless.

• Feeling helpless.

• Feeling strong anger or rage.

• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.

• Exhibiting a change in personality.

• Losing interest in most activities.

• Experiencing a change in sleeping or eating habits.

• Performing poorly at work.

 

You will feel low for the first few weeks, even months. That’s normal. After that, you’ll start to feel more like your old self. You’ll start to rationalise things and you’ll begin to work out what to do next. This is a turning point, and it means you’re thinking about your future.

The pain will still be there, but it will become easier to bear and you’ll find many things you can do to work through the pain and speed up your recovery. You may feel it tempting to keep busy and avoid being alone. However, if you want to heal, the KEY is to FACE your emotions and process them. I know this may sound like a frightening idea. I remember thinking that my own sadness and grief would swallow me whole.

What I did realise after a few days was that every single emotion had another emotion underneath it, almost like there were layers of emotions which needed to be peeled off. My job was to simply move through each emotion, find the boundary or ending of the layer and move onto the next emotional layer.

There was actually a natural ending to each emotion but only when I truly experienced and acknowledged the preceding emotion. When you resist your emotions and avoid being with them by indulging in Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics, you prolong the healing cycle unconsciously.

You will consequently have no say about how much time your healing will take or what will happen.

Sending you a big hug!

Adele